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WAKING in my bedchamber with an unaccountable headache, I sweep away the empty bottles with a shattering swish of the duvet and attend immediately to my correspondence.

‘AS lockdown fell across the country, the atmosphere in Downing Street was febrile, fertile and charged with lust,’ I read. ‘Good, eh?’ says Boris.

STUDIO Ghibli’s classic continues to delight Guardian readers who ban their precious children from watching Despicable Me. But is the 1988 anime in its own way just as shit?

IN the modern day, women are able to call out patronising, oversimplified explanations of subjects they’re already expert on delivered by men wearing too-tight trousers.

CRAVING romantic adventure, Jo Kramer and Oliver O’Connor completely fucked it up by doing too much online research beforehand. How did meeting IRL disappoint?

You and your wife have your sex tape openly displayed, on the bookshelves, with ‘SEX TAPE’ on the spine. What’s anyone going to do? It’s Betamax.

WAKING following a late evening that turned into a morning followed by an afternoon, I find myself at the wheel of a car that has pranged the gates of 10 Downing Street.

WOULD the letters of Romeo and Juliet be sent to a public inquiry? Cyrano and Roxane? Why are the WhatsApps of those lovers Boris and Carrie any different?

WHY so many right-winger are Yankophiles I’ll never know. A brash, cultureless mess of a country whose national pastimes are shooting schoolkids and police beatings.

Described by Charles Dickens in 1835 as ‘the dullest and most stupid place on earth’, Chelmsford hasn’t changed much.