The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that twat Starmer and those twats Man U

WAKING up following a late evening with the editor of the Church Times culminating in my diverting ecclesiastical funds to buy the pub when they wouldn't serve past closing time, I find myself with an unaccountable raging thirst. 

Five museums I'm banned from and why, by Kim Kardashian

AS a globe-trotting celebrity megastar, one of my passions is local museums. But here are just five examples where my visit has resulted in a lifetime ban from the assholes that run the place.

A bit of rain on my barbecue won't tip me over the edge this time! By Colin the emotionally unstable chef

RAIN can put a real damper on a barbecue - pun intended! Here’s how to stop a sudden downpour causing you to have a slight mental breakdown and do A Very Bad Thing.

Let's move to where the welcome is as warm as the weather. This week: Cardiff

WALES’ capital is a magnet for party people. Packed with pubs and nightclubs, it combines cheap drinks with the very low bar of not being in England.

Impotence: Are you both secretly pleased? The Mash sex columnist writes

IMPOTENCE can be devastating for both partners in a long-term relationship. But could it also be a massive fucking relief and time to crack open a bottle and celebrate?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

LIFE is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Unless you look on the box, you thick bastard.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Liz bloody Truss and that coffin dodger the Pope

WAKING in a bathing costume in a giant vat at a whiskey distillery, I vaguely recall a late-night urge to emulate the feats of England’s Commonwealth divers.

Haaland as captain: A sneak peek at my Fantasy Football team, by Beyonce

I’M glad my new album got leaked early, as I can concentrate on Fantasy Football before Arsenal’s tricky season opener to Palace. Here are the selection headaches I’ve managed to overcome.

Visit the 'rat petting zoo': Saving money during the school holidays with the penny-pinching expert

IT’S the school holidays and as every parent knows, the insatiable vampire parasites we call children will be sucking your wallet and purse dry. Luckily I’ve got some simple alternatives to costly summer holiday activities.

Let's move to where the drunk 19-year-olds are all sons of barons! This week: Cambridge

It’s not the one with the Bullingdon Club, it’s the one with the twat who burned £20 in front of a homeless man.