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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Suella sodding Braverman

RETURNING to consciousness naked and face-down in a pool of my own bodily fluids in the nave of St Paul’s with Pope Francis standing over me, I am pleased to realise this is all a bad dream.

Trainspotting: A wee bit overrated, ken?

TRAINSPOTTING the movie was a phenomenon, selling posters, soundtracks and Irvine Welsh DJing in clubs. But was it any f**kn good, aye?

How to get the best combo in the Boots Meal Deal, with Chris Hemsworth

WHEN Chris Hemsworth is filming movies like the worst Thor one in Britain, he heads to Boots for lunch just like any office worker. He explains how he gets value out of his Meal Deal.

Let's move to a town building so many new estates it'll soon cover the whole UK! This week: Didcot

Enjoy railway lines, disused power stations and sprawling new housing developments? Then Didcot is your kind of shithole.

I spent a single afternoon with Penny Mordaunt and now I'm gay for her forever

SEXUALITY? Straight as a die. No changing teams for me. Until I spent one afternoon with Penny Mordaunt, and now I’m her lesbian love-slave.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Now he’s gone, it’s clear that Boris Johnson’s greatest achievement was giving homeworkers the phrase ‘go to the fridge and hack off a piece of cheese’ as a euphemism for wanking.

The Archbishop of Canterbury says... farewell to that arsehole Boris Johnson

I AWAKE dangling from a spire atop Westminster Abbey by the belt loop of my trousers, my cassock over my head, my garters visible to all below as I slowly rotate.

What Boris Johnson's divorce speech was like, based on his resignation speech

GOOD afternoon family. It is clearly the will of your mother that she should be the new head of the household and effectively your new father.

'They can't put a mother of two out on the streets,' I said. 'Soon-to-be single mother,' said that cow Dorries

TWO children, the oldest a toddler. A young, beautiful mother who could be left homeless. ‘And divorced,’ said Dorries, who’s been on the Pinot.

Let's move to the London suburb Kate Moss got the f**k out of as fast as possible! This week: Croydon

Iconic 60s concrete office blocks, the Fairfield Halls, Ikea and a big dual carriageway; what hasn’t Croydon got?