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WAKING following an especially thunderous evening of conviviality, I notice from my stained pillow I have suffered minor ‘cerebral leakage’.

IT is happening, Britain, and it is your fault. Once again my sensible, popular and legal Rwanda plans have been challenged, and more puppies are dead.

TRAVEL broadens the mind. Getting lost just pisses the mind off, which is why every phone, watch, car and person over 55 should be fitted with GPS.

CHILDHOOD sweethearts Thom Booker and Jo Kramer have reconnected on social media. Can they rekindle love and accept they massively fucked up?

EVERY year, as hordes of the filthy and exhuasted traipse away from Worthy Farm, the ghostly words ‘never fucking again’ seem to hang in the very air.

Well if ‘vehicular manslaughter’ is a crime you might as well arrest me now.

WAKING with an unaccountable throbbing of the temples, I recall being invited by the makers of my favourite premium rum to participate in an advertisement for their product.

WHEN everything’s going so well, why interfere? So I’ve spent the week in hiding.

POP legend Sir Elton John headlines Glastonbury and is nearing the end of his farewell tour, but won’t be resting easy in retirement. He outlined his plans.

WHICH dickhead decided barbecues are macho? Standing around outside burning food over fire? Pretend you’re a caveman if you like but you look like a Boy Scout to me.