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ENOUGH wishy-washy centrism. The voters hate it or they would have voted Lib Dem. Doubt not, Conservatives. There is always further right.

JOSH Gardner, who turns every possible shag into friendship, is dating Helen Archer. Can he keep it romantic or will he end being like a brother again?

You still have to get a chair from the kitchen, stand on it, unscrew the old one then put the new one in. These so-called energy-saving lightbulbs are a load of bollocks.

WAKING in a palatial chamber after a convivial evening at Clarence House, I find myself locked in the warm embrace of a woman purring sweet nothings.

SHE’S not carrying it. It’s just casually holstered at her waist, like everyone’s rocking the everyday accessory of a sword and swordbelt.

AMERICAN TikTokers, slagging off our good old British Chinese? Who do they think they are? That’s our national Friday night cuisine.

YOU’VE heard her songs without realising and asked ‘which one’s that?’ at the Met Gala, but Doja Cat is far more famous than those you consider A-list celebrities.

THE schism between England and the Catholic Church, widely considered the Brexit of the 16th century, decided our future for centuries.

Keep your neighbours guessing about your stance on the Royals by serving them a beautiful dish of Coronation swan.

WAKING in a cell at Scotland Yard, under armed guard and being ordered to reliquish the neck of a broken bottle in my hand, I recall what led me here.