Let's move to a dying port city Philip Larkin really hated! This week: Hull

WHEN you arrive you’re sure to receive a warm welcome, or the threat of brutal violence – the local accent is so thick it’s impossible to tell. Still, it helps justify the local souvenir t-shirt, ‘It’s Never Dull in Hull’. Although that is a lie.

Mash Blind Date: 'I could tell she was aroused by my knowledge of Star Trek minutiae'

He asked me if I ‘do all the sex positions’. I’ve met forward blokes who like trying to get a reaction, but Martin didn’t seem to be joking.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s better to have loved and lost than have never been a billionaire oligarch with a massive yacht at all.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Duke of bastard York

Way to say ‘fuck you’ to any poor sex trafficking victim who had the misfortunate to be introduced to her favourite fucking son! 

Starmer says the public should know if I got fined. I say the Brylcreemed bitch should go fuck himself

‘He fancies me,’ I told Big Dog. ‘All the Tories fancy you,’ he said. ‘Raab’s asked for your phone number.’ ‘No, Starmer,’ I said and his eyes went all tiny.

Woke singers. Luvvie actors. Where were the ordinary right-thinking common-sense Leave voters at last night's Concert for Ukraine?

SINGERS, yes plenty of them. Actors? The usual surfeit. But there was not one single ordinary working-class Boris supporter at the Concert for Ukraine.

Let's move to where everyone thinks they film Hollyoaks! This week: Chester

Sadly Chester is perilously close to Wales, making the xenophobic English residents seethe with bitter fury.

Mash Blind Date: 'I thought oysters would be an aphrodisiac, until she almost shit herself'

She got quite red in the face and broke out into a visible sweat, which I assumed was the oysters working their magic. It turned out they were, but not as I’d intended.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

A friend comes to you with a proposition – smell their finger? Don’t rush in, and consider your options.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Liam twatting Gallagher

Shit my cassock, how thick, lumpen and out of ideas about how to exist would you have to be to want to buy an album by that poxy, rat-faced fuckwit Liam Gallagher?