Premium

They can't have Boris's pandemic texts because our love cannot not be stripped bare at a public inquiry. Also all the criminal shit

WOULD the letters of Romeo and Juliet be sent to a public inquiry? Cyrano and Roxane? Why are the WhatsApps of those lovers Boris and Carrie any different?

The bastard offspring of Grease and a horny GI: The gammon food critic hits the 1950s all-American diner

WHY so many right-winger are Yankophiles I’ll never know. A brash, cultureless mess of a country whose national pastimes are shooting schoolkids and police beatings.

Let's move to the home of prisons, witch trials and commuters! This week: Chelmsford

Described by Charles Dickens in 1835 as ‘the dullest and most stupid place on earth’, Chelmsford hasn’t changed much.

How to go to your grave without doing anal, by the Mash sex columnist

DON’T fancy it? Not sure why his junk feels entitled to demand yet another hole? If you’d rather let the other orifices do the heavy lifting, use these dodges.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

I asked a mate if they wanted to see a picture of my unborn baby. “Ultrasound?” he asked. “Yeah he seems pretty cool,” I replied.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the shite parade of Eurovision

WAKING in my own bed, calling for a cleric to fetch hither my breakfast of grilled kippers and my usual tincture of laudanum and absinthe, I enjoy my first Sunday morning off in years.

Secretly I'm a bit of a nerd. So I've hit Tokyo with an anime want-list like you wouldn’t believe

YOU’D never guess based on my confident, cool exterior, but secretly I’m a little bit nerdy. Specifically an otaku who loves anything anime who just landed in Tokyo.

How to look incredible in your 50s, 60, 70s, 80s and when you're dead, by Jennifer Lopez

STILL smoking hot at 53, Jennifer Lopez explains how she’ll remain a Hollywood miracle past being octogenarian and from beyond the grave.

Go right, bold Conservatives. Go righter than you've ever gone before. Britain will follow

ENOUGH wishy-washy centrism. The voters hate it or they would have voted Lib Dem. Doubt not, Conservatives. There is always further right.

Mash Blind Date: 'I just want to stop being the world's most friendzoned man'

JOSH Gardner, who turns every possible shag into friendship, is dating Helen Archer. Can he keep it romantic or will he end being like a brother again?