Mash Blind Date: Liz Truss and the British public, who've never met her and have no idea what she's like

IN five days, Liz Truss will become prime minister even though the country has no idea who she is. They’re meeting for the first time over tapas.

Let's move to a city where Ed Sheeran shagged one of the locals! This week: Galway

Widely regarded as the cultural capital of Ireland, this beautiful city boasts a rich history and proud identity, all of which has been entirely eclipsed by Ed Sheeran’s Galway Girl. 

How to half-arse an obligatory birthday sex session

FANTASIES of being forced into sex are common. Fantasies of being obligated to go down are non-existent, because the blowjob you’re guilted into pleases nobody.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Is your favourite Bond Timothy Dalton? You may be entitled to compensation.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that utter cock Michael Gove

WAKING in the crypt, I recall beginning morning service with the Lord urging me to crack an 1881 Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

Five accents that are a piece of piss for a proper actor, by Sean Bean

NAH then. Proud Sheffield native and Blades fan Sean Bean here. Sometimes acting means doing a non-Yorkshire accent. I can do these five in my f**king sleep.

In Liz We Truss: to resign on day one to make way for Boris

IN voting for Liz Truss, I had one caveat: could she be trusted? Did she recognise what Britain truly needed? Does she have the courage to resign immediately? For Boris?

Leave Britain behind and kick back on an island with a higher population density than London! This week: Portsmouth

The laid-back vibes cover Portsmouth like a film of diesel over a cross-channel ferry port, so uptight mainlanders – get used to it.

Sex questions you should never ask your regular shag, with the Mash sex columnist

GOOD sex is about asking questions of partners who you’re never going to see again, whose answers you can trust. Not your actual husband, girlfriend or f**kbuddy.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Ninjas and their throwing stars were massive in the 80s, but you never see them at the Absolute 80s Weekender at Minehead Butlins, opening for Go West.