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NEVER trust a Mexican, my uncle used to tell me, and he was a cocaine importer so knew of what he spoke. He’s still serving time at Winson Green for ignoring his own advice.

Nestled away on the south coast and ready to form its own separatist state the moment the revolution comes, Brighton is a progressive utopia that couldn’t be more embarrassed by its parent country.

THE Matrix: literate, postmodern action movie or portentous load of shit that spawned an incomprehensible franchise? Was it shite the whole time?

Save money by buying fewer Faberge eggs.

WAKING in a small boat in English waters beside a slumbering Suella Braverman, surrounded by empty gin bottles, I recollect how I arrived at my present pass.

IT’S taken months of tough negotiation to fix the broken Northern Ireland protocol. Boris doesn’t care. ‘Shove your tawdry compromise up there sideways,’ he suggests.

I love visiting the UK. London’s so vibrant and I want to tread the boards on the West End someday. But for now, does anyone know where the f**k my car is?

JORA, aged 26, is looking for no-strings casual one-night sex. So is Tom, aged 28, who firmly believes that’s not what women should want. Will they hook up?

WHEN you’re sharing your sexual fantasies with your lover, everything open, no judgement, you instinctively know: not that one.

Greggs have released a seasonal Ennui Bake capturing the feeling of late winter in Britain. It has a grey, cold filling and lasts for days and days and days. £1.99.