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YOU cannot watch the Eras tour and walk away unchanged. But I admit I wasn’t expecting the revelation that Taylor and I, with a few minor differences, are the same.

I PREFER American football, but my transfer to the Dallas Cowboys fell through so I came to Bayern Munich instead. Did you know that’s in Germany? I didn’t.

WE pretend there are other explanations. Weather, the Labour party, Millennials, etcetera. But, you, I and everyone knows all Britain’s problems are down to the French.

THE UK’s two least-watched and most furiously aroused news channels are meeting to fuck in secret, it has emerged.

WAKING in a sealed coffin in total darkness, I yawn after coming to following the most pleasant three days’ sleep in my life.

Probably keep quiet about that disposable barbecue you didn’t put out properly during a picnic in Hawaii last week.

‘We are here to celebrate the life of Bishop Wilkes,' I tell the mourners. 'However, it would be remiss of me not to address a more pressing matter. The railway company LNER and what they laughingly call their wifi service.'

RECRUITMENT consultant Dan, 31, has studied pick-up techniques, and attempts to use emotional manipulation to make women sleep with him. Teacher Holly, 28, is a normal human being. 

WE get there and everyone looks at least 90 and ready to drop. There's an all-pervading stink of granny gas, perfume and stale urine. It's like sitting in the waiting room for the morgue.

SAVE yourself the expense and embarrassment of buying bona fide sex toys and use these deeply unsexy household items instead, which isn’t embarrassing at all. You’ll never look at your egg timer the same way again!