Let's move to a town just near enough to much better places for you to spend your life in transit! This week: Reading

Check out the station car park, the most expensive in the country – and rightly so, since the only reason to live here is to leave.

How I paint my Space Marines, by Dame Emma Thompson

WHEN I’m in my trailer between takes on Cruella or Last Christmas, I settle my nerves and concentrate my mind by painting a Chaos Lord in Terminator Armour Space Marine.

Sally Rooney: why she's boring as f**k

SHE’S the literary sensation of the century, but are her books understatedly fascinating or remorselessly banal? The latter.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

‘Mary Magdalene wasn’t really Jesus’s girlfriend. They were more like f**k buddies,’ you explain, to your Sunday School class.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that pisspot Priti Patel

WAKING up in a Hell’s Angel clubhouse, my head thumping like the timpani section in Wagner’s Die Walküre, I taste petrol on my lips.

You know who'd make a bloody brilliant ethics adviser? Me

INNATE, incorruptible moral authority. Already in the orbit of Downing Street. Independent from the office of prime minister. Opportunity, meet Carrie.

Mash Blind Date: 'We got blackout shitfaced. There's sick on my jeans'

WILL drinking heavily to dispel their social anxiety lead to love for Hannah and Alex? Or to a three-day hangover and memory gaps?

If I was Paul Chuckle for a day… with Tom Cruise

EVERY week, we ask a celebrity to imagine how they would live life as Paul Chuckle, aged 74, of Rotherham. Top Gun star Tom Cruise has a go.

OK Computer: why it's crap

TWENTY-FIVE years ago Radiohead released OK Computer, one of the most turgid albums ever played to son by dad. Here’s what’s wrong with it.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Your family cat coughs up a hairball, but the hair is all light blonde. This is how you discover your wife is shagging Boris Johnson.