I can't carry on like this until the election, Sir Keir. It's humiliating that everyone thinks I'm this thick

I THOUGHT I was ready for anything as your undercover agent in the Tories. Interrogation, danger, all that. But not the whole world thinking I’m a cretin.

Let's move to a Somerset town steeped in myth that isn't where the f**king festival is! This week: Glastonbury

Nestled among the rolling flatness of Somerset, Glastonbury is a retreat for lifestyle-choice hippies escaping the capitalist ideologies blighting our century and who are wealthy enough to do so.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th All those pornos with step-siblings really downplay how much they made you play Mario Kart with the shitty controller.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... John twatting Cleese

AWAKING, an empty vodka bottle in one hand, I find myself in a large, cathedral-like edifice festooned with flowers and comely maidens.

You say there's nothing I can do to make this worse, Sir Keir. But I'm trying my best

YOUR agents say there’s nothing I can do to make the situation worse and I should sit tight, Sir Keir. But they don’t know me like you do.

Five kinky places to have sex that will make you run screaming home

WANT to appreciate your bed? Push yourself into a sexual experience in a public location and thrill to the fear of being charged with indecent exposure.

Let's move to a town as shite as the cake named after it! This week: Banbury

Not quite the Midlands, not quite the South, Banbury is like a shit northern town that missed the train home from a non-league game and decided to stay.

Tangfastic, Star Mix, Gold Bears: Haribo ranked from worst to best, by Ed Sheeran

ALL top stars have their vices. For Mick Jagger it was pussy, for Keith Richards heroin, and for me it’s Haribo. Can’t get enough. No self-control. I’m ranking my top five.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

A baby bird becomes attached to the first thing it sees after hatching. Like come on, shop around.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... growth growth bloody growth

WAKING in my own bed, I am startled to discover I lie beside a slumbering horse.