Me and my pulley system, with Kendrick Lamar

Works laterally and vertically, you know what I’m saying? A two-tier pulley system. Ain’t Drake or Jay or none of them got that.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

There’s a party in your pants and everyone is yet to RSVP – apart from an old colleague of yours from way back when, who politely declined.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Prince pissing Charles

WAKING in an alley behind a kebab shop, robes covered in vomited meat, head pounding like Dutch gabba techno, I make a note not to join a sherry soiree with Aled Jones on an empty stomach.

Why everyone's acting outraged I don't know. It's either suck him off or get pregnant

YOU can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. And you can’t deliver a revitalised, youthful, radical Downing Street without sucking dick.

Cooking chicken by sunlight is free! Summer money-saving tips from a penny-pinching expert

WARM weather sees some get out the paddling pool or barbecue. But to me, it’s a time to stop paying through the nose for gas when the sun is right there.

Let's move to a city where where your life expectancy lowers the moment you're off the train! This week: Glasgow

Ah, bonny Glasgow, recently voted one of the worst cities to live in Europe due to violence and gang turf wars.

Star Wars: why it's time to let it die

IN 1977 a really good space action film came out. In 1980 it had a great sequel. 42 years later, it’s time to put the franchise out of its misery.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

If we really want children to learn about responsibility we shouldn’t let them win a goldfish at the fair. They should win an Alsatian.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Boris Johnson keeping sodding going

AWAKING after a late evening with a delegation of Belgian Trappist monks, experts in brewing, I realise the bed I repose in is my own and summon a junior cleric.

I exhausted every possible avenue trying to stop my flight to Rwanda. But tragically, this plane took off

ONCE again, a plane sat on the tarmac at Heathrow, awaiting clearance. Once again, a passenger was desperate not to fly. But it was me and we had to.