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THANKS to unrealistic body images in movies, porn and the imaginings of your own filthy mind, you’d think everyone is an abnormal freak with a toned arse, a clearly defined neck and no beer gut. 

AS a millionaire Hollywood star who can shag anyone, I don’t get down to Sainsbury’s as much as I could. Now I’ve got 1,400 Nectar points burning a hole in my pocket. Here’s how I’ll smash through the f**king lot.

They say cocks come in all shapes and sizes but that’s not true. No-one’s ever seen one the shape and size of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

WAKING in my own bed, head clear, having turned in at 10pm, the chirruping of the birds a serene herald to a most clement morning, I an glad of my decision to have a ‘dry night’.

WORN out by the ever-heightening drama of British news? Want to return to solid ground gently? Wind down with these comparatively relaxing activities.

MY LIFE has been nothing but a series of catastrophic failures and humiliating f**k-ups. But it’s not my fault. It’s Doctor Who’s. 

I THOUGHT I was ready for anything as your undercover agent in the Tories. Interrogation, danger, all that. But not the whole world thinking I’m a cretin.

Nestled among the rolling flatness of Somerset, Glastonbury is a retreat for lifestyle-choice hippies escaping the capitalist ideologies blighting our century and who are wealthy enough to do so.

Aries, March 21st–April 19th All those pornos with step-siblings really downplay how much they made you play Mario Kart with the shitty controller.

AWAKING, an empty vodka bottle in one hand, I find myself in a large, cathedral-like edifice festooned with flowers and comely maidens.