Five sexual experiences to say you've had, with the Mash sex columnist

THERE are sexual experiences which are desirable and attainable, like orgasms, a finger up the arse during climax or getting a blowjob from a ghost.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

If they did a glory hole for swiss rolls the line would be out of the door. But they won’t because nothing good ever happens does it.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Rebekah Vardy's new arsehole

WAKING in the gutter, my pillow an empty 1.5 litre bottle of Tesco Imperial Vodka, I surmise to my horror I have fallen back in time to the year 1985.

My crap 2021 wedding only happened to get that twat Cummings off the front pages. I'm owed this one

I AM owed a wedding. A proper wedding befitting a princess, which I effectively am, at a proper country house. Because that one last year was f**king shit.

The Shawshank Redemption: could it perhaps not be the greatest film of all time?

IT’S been top of every popular movie ranking for more than a decade: for good reason, or is it shite? Warning: spoilers for a movie everyone currently living has seen 15 times.

Let's move to a city where the people love bridges almost as much as they love Greggs! This week: Newcastle upon Tyne

They’re friendlier up north, and Newcastle is truly one of the friendliest places to get your head kicked in for glancing at someone’s girlfriend.

Five legitimate excuses to get out of sex with your partner: the Mash sex columnist writes

NOBODY wants sex, at least not with the person they share a bed with. It’s a faff, tiring, and engenders powerful emotional connections you could do without.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

All my tattoos mean something. For example, this one means I’d been drinking all day in a pub next to a tattoo parlour.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Bruce bastard Springsteen

WAKING after 36 hours of dreamless sleep, feeling well rested, I notice a fresh scar on my abdomen and realise I am missing a kidney.

Missionary and other sex positions I haven't tried yet, with Ryan Gosling

THE STAR of Netflix blockbuster The Grey Man is a heartthrob for millions. He tells us about the sexual positions he’d love to try but hasn’t got round to.