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You and your wife have your sex tape openly displayed, on the bookshelves, with ‘SEX TAPE’ on the spine. What’s anyone going to do? It’s Betamax.

WAKING following a late evening that turned into a morning followed by an afternoon, I find myself at the wheel of a car that has pranged the gates of 10 Downing Street.

WOULD the letters of Romeo and Juliet be sent to a public inquiry? Cyrano and Roxane? Why are the WhatsApps of those lovers Boris and Carrie any different?

WHY so many right-winger are Yankophiles I’ll never know. A brash, cultureless mess of a country whose national pastimes are shooting schoolkids and police beatings.

Described by Charles Dickens in 1835 as ‘the dullest and most stupid place on earth’, Chelmsford hasn’t changed much.

DON’T fancy it? Not sure why his junk feels entitled to demand yet another hole? If you’d rather let the other orifices do the heavy lifting, use these dodges.

I asked a mate if they wanted to see a picture of my unborn baby. “Ultrasound?” he asked. “Yeah he seems pretty cool,” I replied.

WAKING in my own bed, calling for a cleric to fetch hither my breakfast of grilled kippers and my usual tincture of laudanum and absinthe, I enjoy my first Sunday morning off in years.

YOU’D never guess based on my confident, cool exterior, but secretly I’m a little bit nerdy. Specifically an otaku who loves anything anime who just landed in Tokyo.

STILL smoking hot at 53, Jennifer Lopez explains how she’ll remain a Hollywood miracle past being octogenarian and from beyond the grave.