When I said Liz Truss looked like a budgie pecking a mirror, I meant she was bloody brilliant

LIZ Truss? Won’t hear a word against her. A brilliant stateswoman, a towering intellect, and the right choice for leader. Last week’s column backing Mordaunt was written by an intern.

Let's move to the arsehole between the rosy cheeks of Devon and Cornwall! This week: Plymouth

The only city in a hinterland of thatched cottages, cream teas, and f**k-off rich Londoners with second homes, Plymouth therefore has all the shit stuff and a massive Naval base.

How To Dress Like A… sunburnt English dickhead who cannot handle heat

WHEN Britain’s hot Britons aren’t, because the inhabitants of this island have zero clue what styles to stretch over sunburn. Spray these on.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Town names that have ‘cum’ in the middle are home to aristocratic sex rings. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Suella sodding Braverman

RETURNING to consciousness naked and face-down in a pool of my own bodily fluids in the nave of St Paul’s with Pope Francis standing over me, I am pleased to realise this is all a bad dream.

Trainspotting: A wee bit overrated, ken?

TRAINSPOTTING the movie was a phenomenon, selling posters, soundtracks and Irvine Welsh DJing in clubs. But was it any f**kn good, aye?

How to get the best combo in the Boots Meal Deal, with Chris Hemsworth

WHEN Chris Hemsworth is filming movies like the worst Thor one in Britain, he heads to Boots for lunch just like any office worker. He explains how he gets value out of his Meal Deal.

Let's move to a town building so many new estates it'll soon cover the whole UK! This week: Didcot

Enjoy railway lines, disused power stations and sprawling new housing developments? Then Didcot is your kind of shithole.

I spent a single afternoon with Penny Mordaunt and now I'm gay for her forever

SEXUALITY? Straight as a die. No changing teams for me. Until I spent one afternoon with Penny Mordaunt, and now I’m her lesbian love-slave.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Now he’s gone, it’s clear that Boris Johnson’s greatest achievement was giving homeworkers the phrase ‘go to the fridge and hack off a piece of cheese’ as a euphemism for wanking.