Let's move to a town as shite as the cake named after it! This week: Banbury

Not quite the Midlands, not quite the South, Banbury is like a shit northern town that missed the train home from a non-league game and decided to stay.

Tangfastic, Star Mix, Gold Bears: Haribo ranked from worst to best, by Ed Sheeran

ALL top stars have their vices. For Mick Jagger it was pussy, for Keith Richards heroin, and for me it’s Haribo. Can’t get enough. No self-control. I’m ranking my top five.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

A baby bird becomes attached to the first thing it sees after hatching. Like come on, shop around.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... growth growth bloody growth

WAKING in my own bed, I am startled to discover I lie beside a slumbering horse.

A confused millennial tries to… send a letter

AS A millennial, I don’t understand things the older generation are into like home ownership, Morrissey and penetrative sex. Today I’m trying to ‘send a letter’.

Dear Sir Keir, my speech went down so well I was worried I'd won Britain round. Then I remembered they're nutters

SERIOUSLY worried I’d been too successful out there, Sir Keir. They were clapping every other sentence of my big speech. Then I remembered: they’re nutters.

How sex doesn't work in a long-distance relationship

LONG-DISTANCE relationship? You can’t have sex if you’re not in the same place. Shag someone local.

Let's move to an extremely wealthy left-wing utopia by the sea! This week: Brighton

No article about Brighton would be complete without mentioning that it has a pier you can walk onto, piss away the best part of 30 quid with nothing to show for it, then walk off again.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

The difference between Ed Sheeran and an Ed Sheeran tribute act is negligible.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that tuneless bastard Ian Brown

I AWAKE on my canal break in the Norfolk Broads atop a sunken narrowboat, a litre bottle of overproof rum by my side and effluent pouring into my mouth from a rusty pipe.