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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Now he’s gone, it’s clear that Boris Johnson’s greatest achievement was giving homeworkers the phrase ‘go to the fridge and hack off a piece of cheese’ as a euphemism for wanking.

The Archbishop of Canterbury says... farewell to that arsehole Boris Johnson

I AWAKE dangling from a spire atop Westminster Abbey by the belt loop of my trousers, my cassock over my head, my garters visible to all below as I slowly rotate.

What Boris Johnson's divorce speech was like, based on his resignation speech

GOOD afternoon family. It is clearly the will of your mother that she should be the new head of the household and effectively your new father.

'They can't put a mother of two out on the streets,' I said. 'Soon-to-be single mother,' said that cow Dorries

TWO children, the oldest a toddler. A young, beautiful mother who could be left homeless. ‘And divorced,’ said Dorries, who’s been on the Pinot.

Let's move to the London suburb Kate Moss got the f**k out of as fast as possible! This week: Croydon

Iconic 60s concrete office blocks, the Fairfield Halls, Ikea and a big dual carriageway; what hasn’t Croydon got?

Me and my pulley system, with Kendrick Lamar

Works laterally and vertically, you know what I’m saying? A two-tier pulley system. Ain’t Drake or Jay or none of them got that.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

There’s a party in your pants and everyone is yet to RSVP – apart from an old colleague of yours from way back when, who politely declined.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Prince pissing Charles

WAKING in an alley behind a kebab shop, robes covered in vomited meat, head pounding like Dutch gabba techno, I make a note not to join a sherry soiree with Aled Jones on an empty stomach.

Why everyone's acting outraged I don't know. It's either suck him off or get pregnant

YOU can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. And you can’t deliver a revitalised, youthful, radical Downing Street without sucking dick.

Cooking chicken by sunlight is free! Summer money-saving tips from a penny-pinching expert

WARM weather sees some get out the paddling pool or barbecue. But to me, it’s a time to stop paying through the nose for gas when the sun is right there.