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SEX toys allow you to kick back alone and let the batteries do the work. But sometimes you feel a little intimidated as you double-check your partner's not around and pull down your pants.

EVERY household with kids has a bag of potato smileys in the freezer. With luck, your broccoli LMAOs will be even bigger.

WAKING up following a late evening with the editor of the Church Times culminating in my diverting ecclesiastical funds to buy the pub when they wouldn't serve past closing time, I find myself with an unaccountable raging thirst. 

AS a globe-trotting celebrity megastar, one of my passions is local museums. But here are just five examples where my visit has resulted in a lifetime ban from the assholes that run the place.

RAIN can put a real damper on a barbecue - pun intended! Here’s how to stop a sudden downpour causing you to have a slight mental breakdown and do A Very Bad Thing.

WALES’ capital is a magnet for party people. Packed with pubs and nightclubs, it combines cheap drinks with the very low bar of not being in England.

IMPOTENCE can be devastating for both partners in a long-term relationship. But could it also be a massive fucking relief and time to crack open a bottle and celebrate?

LIFE is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Unless you look on the box, you thick bastard.

WAKING in a bathing costume in a giant vat at a whiskey distillery, I vaguely recall a late-night urge to emulate the feats of England’s Commonwealth divers.

I’M glad my new album got leaked early, as I can concentrate on Fantasy Football before Arsenal’s tricky season opener to Palace. Here are the selection headaches I’ve managed to overcome.