Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Your family cat coughs up a hairball, but the hair is all light blonde. This is how you discover your wife is shagging Boris Johnson.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the vote of no twatting confidence

Death! We’re all gonna die, soon! Even Cliff Richard! Prepare for f**king death! Don’t prance around like you’re a perpetual 25 year old! Death! Death!

He's not acting like a dead man walking. He's acting like he's untouchable for the next year

DEAD MAN WALKING, the headlines said. He wasn’t a dead man back here. More like a man given a punishment-free year.

How To Dress Like A… red-trousered braying public-school arsehole

POST-JUBILEE, post no-confidence, Britain’s waking up to the truth that the ruling classes absolutely rule. Want to establish yourself as establishment? Slip into these.

Let's move to a historic capital city that'll soon be underwater! This week: Dublin

Birthplace of Oscar Wilde, WB Yeats, James Joyce, and George Bernard Shaw, who all emigrated as soon as possible, Dublin is truly one of Europe’s great cultural centers.

Mash Blind Date: 'Being stood up went better than 90 per cent of my dates'

IS it wrong for a 34-year-old career woman to find more fulfilment in the vacant space where her date should be than if he was present?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

All this really drives home that Charles isn’t even going to manage a Silver Jubilee, doesn’t it? Poor prick will be lucky to make Tin.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Her twatting Majesty

FOLLOWING an inebriated altercation with a Songs of Praise runner – these things frequently happen in the ‘rough and tumble’ of religious broadcasting – I wake in a cell.

Outdated monarchical heads-of-state are on borrowed time. I'm prettier than Kate

We need a head of state, people say. For visiting dignitaries, for high-profile summits, to express the national mood on key occasions. And I say ‘voila’.

The BBC is celebrating 70 years of trying to destroy the Queen. Will they succeed?

FOR as long as any of us can remember, the BBC has sworn to destroy everything great and good about this country. So of course they began with the Queen.