ADVERT: Sick of football management? Ruin your career forever at Tottenham

ARE you a football manager? Are you sick of the stress, the money and of winning things? Come to Tottenham Hotspur and end your career forever. 

As a major London club, we can offer you the chance to exhaust yourself and your talents attempting to get a team which works on paper but never, ever in practice to finally achieve something, to fail, and to fatally damage your reputation.

You simply won’t leave as the coach you came in. No matter how garlanded you may have been in the past, our club will leave you a broken man struggling to get hired at a Ligue 1 club fighting relegation.

We have an impressive squad, featuring England’s top goalscorer Harry Kane, South Korean hero Son Heung-min, World Cup-winning keeper Hugo Lloris and a host of young talent, none of whom will make any difference whatsoever.

Just look at the glittering array of managerial talent who lost their way at our club. George Graham, Glenn Hoddle, Jose Mourinho and most recently Anthonio Conte. All winners until they came here. All losers when they left.

And you won’t just be broken on the outside. A couple of seasons trying to get a consistent performance out of a team that just won’t cohere and your faith in your footballing philosophies will fade away.

By 2028 you’ll be half-heartedly coaching in the Egyptian Premier League where you won’t last six months before being sacked. In less than a decade the phone won’t ring at all and you can sit back and enjoy a peaceful retirement.

So come to Tottenham. Serial winners ready to leave the irritations of success behind especially welcome. Salary competitive. Cheese room access negotiable.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

On tonight’s Bake-Off Pru’s necklace is a nine-inch light-up ten-function translucent vibrating dildo, and still nobody dares say anything.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Last year had a record number of assaults on bus drivers. Congratulations to Ian Pritchard from Hull with 35!

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was teacup pigs.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

In America, you have to tip 20 per cent. It’s the only way to ensure that the waiter doesn’t follow you into the car park and shoot you point blank with an AR-15.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Why don’t they cut out the middleman and throw the Pokeball right into the opposing trainer’s nutsack?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Win the Omaze house? You must live in it for life. It doesn’t matter if you lose your job, your kids can’t get to school, and you can’t afford bills or food. You bought the ticket.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

For the first three months of the zombie apocalypse, they’d be fine. For the next six their trousers would be around their ankles, and after that they’d be cocks out.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

God, you’d love to be cancelled one of these days. A clear diary because everyone refuses to work with you just for some light, easy bigotry? Sounds relaxing.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You haven’t got nipple clamps? Then what do you do when your nipples get loose?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

There are a lot of Easter eggs in Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket. And now, thanks to cheap DVDs and an afternoon in Waterlooville Asda, there are a lot of Full Metal Jackets in the Easter eggs.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

They can’t fire you because you know where the bodies are buried. At the cemetery. You drove past it last week.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You complain about passive aggression, but would you really prefer a straight honest punch in the face?