ARE you a football manager? Are you sick of the stress, the money and of winning things? Come to Tottenham Hotspur and end your career forever.
As a major London club, we can offer you the chance to exhaust yourself and your talents attempting to get a team which works on paper but never, ever in practice to finally achieve something, to fail, and to fatally damage your reputation.
You simply won’t leave as the coach you came in. No matter how garlanded you may have been in the past, our club will leave you a broken man struggling to get hired at a Ligue 1 club fighting relegation.
We have an impressive squad, featuring England’s top goalscorer Harry Kane, South Korean hero Son Heung-min, World Cup-winning keeper Hugo Lloris and a host of young talent, none of whom will make any difference whatsoever.
Just look at the glittering array of managerial talent who lost their way at our club. George Graham, Glenn Hoddle, Jose Mourinho and most recently Anthonio Conte. All winners until they came here. All losers when they left.
And you won’t just be broken on the outside. A couple of seasons trying to get a consistent performance out of a team that just won’t cohere and your faith in your footballing philosophies will fade away.
By 2028 you’ll be half-heartedly coaching in the Egyptian Premier League where you won’t last six months before being sacked. In less than a decade the phone won’t ring at all and you can sit back and enjoy a peaceful retirement.
So come to Tottenham. Serial winners ready to leave the irritations of success behind especially welcome. Salary competitive. Cheese room access negotiable.
