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THE UK’s two least-watched and most furiously aroused news channels are meeting to fuck in secret, it has emerged.

WAKING in a sealed coffin in total darkness, I yawn after coming to following the most pleasant three days’ sleep in my life.

Probably keep quiet about that disposable barbecue you didn’t put out properly during a picnic in Hawaii last week.

‘We are here to celebrate the life of Bishop Wilkes,' I tell the mourners. 'However, it would be remiss of me not to address a more pressing matter. The railway company LNER and what they laughingly call their wifi service.'

RECRUITMENT consultant Dan, 31, has studied pick-up techniques, and attempts to use emotional manipulation to make women sleep with him. Teacher Holly, 28, is a normal human being. 

WE get there and everyone looks at least 90 and ready to drop. There's an all-pervading stink of granny gas, perfume and stale urine. It's like sitting in the waiting room for the morgue.

SAVE yourself the expense and embarrassment of buying bona fide sex toys and use these deeply unsexy household items instead, which isn’t embarrassing at all. You’ll never look at your egg timer the same way again!

DEAR Dame Judi. Should I make breakfast an exception to my strict diet, and start having a whole bottle of whisky instead of my usual kale smoothie?

It’s ridiculous when people write 'c**t'. You’re allowed to say 'celt'. We’re all adults here. We all know what a celt is.

WAKING up in the lion enclosure at Regent’s Park Zoo, I am aware of one of the beasts padding menacingly towards me after an inebriated attempt to recreate the story of Daniel (Daniel 6:22).