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WAKING in the crypt, I recall beginning morning service with the Lord urging me to crack an 1881 Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

NAH then. Proud Sheffield native and Blades fan Sean Bean here. Sometimes acting means doing a non-Yorkshire accent. I can do these five in my f**king sleep.

IN voting for Liz Truss, I had one caveat: could she be trusted? Did she recognise what Britain truly needed? Does she have the courage to resign immediately? For Boris?

The laid-back vibes cover Portsmouth like a film of diesel over a cross-channel ferry port, so uptight mainlanders – get used to it.

GOOD sex is about asking questions of partners who you’re never going to see again, whose answers you can trust. Not your actual husband, girlfriend or f**kbuddy.

Ninjas and their throwing stars were massive in the 80s, but you never see them at the Absolute 80s Weekender at Minehead Butlins, opening for Go West.

WAKING in intensive care, following a WhatsApp challenge from His All Holiness Bartholomew I of Constantinople that I could read the Ryan Giggs poem to the end without hurling, I regret my naivety.

ONCE you’re catapulted into stardom, as I was when I was Doctor Who for a bit, you get a contact book like you wouldn’t believe. These are five of my most A-list friends.

WITH a Rotten Tomatoes user score of 95 per cent and a high ranking in every ‘greatest films of all time’ poll, it’s practically illegal not to love Saving Private Ryan. So what on earth could be wrong with this flawless WW2 masterpiece?

WEIRD steeplejack Fred Dibnah grew up in Bolton and destroyed chimneys, to the delight of 1970s TV viewers. There wasn’t streaming in those days.