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Your family cat coughs up a hairball, but the hair is all light blonde. This is how you discover your wife is shagging Boris Johnson.

Death! We’re all gonna die, soon! Even Cliff Richard! Prepare for f**king death! Don’t prance around like you’re a perpetual 25 year old! Death! Death!

DEAD MAN WALKING, the headlines said. He wasn’t a dead man back here. More like a man given a punishment-free year.

POST-JUBILEE, post no-confidence, Britain’s waking up to the truth that the ruling classes absolutely rule. Want to establish yourself as establishment? Slip into these.

Birthplace of Oscar Wilde, WB Yeats, James Joyce, and George Bernard Shaw, who all emigrated as soon as possible, Dublin is truly one of Europe’s great cultural centers.

IS it wrong for a 34-year-old career woman to find more fulfilment in the vacant space where her date should be than if he was present?

All this really drives home that Charles isn’t even going to manage a Silver Jubilee, doesn’t it? Poor prick will be lucky to make Tin.

FOLLOWING an inebriated altercation with a Songs of Praise runner – these things frequently happen in the ‘rough and tumble’ of religious broadcasting – I wake in a cell.

We need a head of state, people say. For visiting dignitaries, for high-profile summits, to express the national mood on key occasions. And I say ‘voila’.

FOR as long as any of us can remember, the BBC has sworn to destroy everything great and good about this country. So of course they began with the Queen.