Mash Blind Date: a 51-year-old and his 19-year-old sexy barista dream date who's frankly horrified

UNFULFILLED divorcee Tom Booker has long lusted after Sophie Rodriguez, the hot barista he speaks to daily. She’s not keen. They’re on a date.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Put an NFT of some cheese on a mousetrap and guarantee getting the worst of those little bastards. 

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… spaghetti-haired fucker Michael Fabricant

You just reached deep up your arsehole and pulled out this shit about teachers and nurses. Your brain, that barely-functioning organ nesting somewhere in that fucking mess of spaghetti, didn’t get a fucking look-in, did it? 

Why not fine my baby too, you pig bastards? Why not criminalise my poor, poor baby?

The protesters are right: all coppers are bastards. And now, because the Met Police is institutionally misogynist, I’m a criminal.

How to cook the perfect romantic meal, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

There’s no better way to impress a lady than a romantic meal for two. Unless they’re sadistically playing with your feelings like a cat toys with a mouse, before ripping your heart out like some evil succubus from Hell. 

Mash Blind Date: 'He was almost as much of a prick about eating meat as I was about being vegan'

I could smell the animal fats leaking from his pores. He had that evil, greasy sheen I associate with people who murder and consume my animal siblings.

Let's move to the home of black pudding and a not-world-famous market! This week: Bury

SIR Robert Peel’s legacy consists not only of founding the much-loved Metropolitan Police, but also the continuing excellence of his hometown, Bury. What other town has both a market and a limited range of high street shops? None, you’ll find.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s a thankless job being a bouncer. No one ever comes back and says ‘Good call not letting me in last night. I was far too hammered. And fair enough, that shirt was casual.’

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Matt Le Knobhead Tissier

The only reason you want to sell off Channel 4 is because Krishnan Guru-Murthy humiliated you  using the cunning journalist’s trick of allowing you to open your mouth and talk!

How to turn up tasty leftovers into a delicious full meal, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

They’re just taking the piss now. Shepherd’s pie with baked beans slopped in. Still, I bet Marco Pierre White would say it was manna from heaven if Knorr paid him enough.