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Ah, bonny Glasgow, recently voted one of the worst cities to live in Europe due to violence and gang turf wars.

IN 1977 a really good space action film came out. In 1980 it had a great sequel. 42 years later, it’s time to put the franchise out of its misery.

If we really want children to learn about responsibility we shouldn’t let them win a goldfish at the fair. They should win an Alsatian.

AWAKING after a late evening with a delegation of Belgian Trappist monks, experts in brewing, I realise the bed I repose in is my own and summon a junior cleric.

ONCE again, a plane sat on the tarmac at Heathrow, awaiting clearance. Once again, a passenger was desperate not to fly. But it was me and we had to.

Check out the station car park, the most expensive in the country – and rightly so, since the only reason to live here is to leave.

WHEN I’m in my trailer between takes on Cruella or Last Christmas, I settle my nerves and concentrate my mind by painting a Chaos Lord in Terminator Armour Space Marine.

SHE’S the literary sensation of the century, but are her books understatedly fascinating or remorselessly banal? The latter.

‘Mary Magdalene wasn’t really Jesus’s girlfriend. They were more like f**k buddies,’ you explain, to your Sunday School class.

WAKING up in a Hell’s Angel clubhouse, my head thumping like the timpani section in Wagner’s Die Walküre, I taste petrol on my lips.