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I’M going healthy in 2023. Got to. The doctor’s been unequivocal about it. So I’m only smoking in the pub, I’m cutting the pub to five nights a week, and I’m eating Japanese.

THEY weren’t five pledges. They were five promises, which is different. ‘Oh my God,’ my wife says, ‘even Liam Gallagher is not as nostalgic for 1997.’

A tiny city with an incongruously massive cathedral, Worcester is popular with anglers, canoeists, and fans of seasonal flooding you could set your f**king watch to.

WAKING in the basket of a hot air balloon, a pastime I enjoy at years’ end combined with the consumption of alcoholic beverages, I realise that the balloon is descending rapidly.

PEOPLE ask me, ‘Rishi, how did you and Akshata meet?’ and it is a lovely, romantic, relatable story about two ordinary people, one of whom is a multi-millionaire.

WHO’S naughty? Who’s nice? Whose relationship has become nothing but boringly nice when it used to be spiritedly naughty?

WAKING in some sort of a manger I am aware of the presence of livestock, and three crowned figures stepping forward, bearing scented gifts.

BEING Britain’s leading money saving expert isn’t easy, especially when you’re always getting recognised while stark bollock naked. It’s happened six times.

CHRISTMAS jumpers are the height of anti-fashion, but have you wrung every twattish drop from yours or is a rival the bellend of the Yuletide ball?

CHURCHILL would be turning in his grave. We sent the Krauts packing and for what? To let them take over our city centres like Operation Overlord never happened?