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WHEN you’re feeling idealistic and seven sambucas down at the office party, workplace romance can seem less maniacal than all the evidence suggests.

In the wild seals very rarely balance multicoloured balls on their noses. Once a week at most.

WAKING in Kings College, Cambridge, it is a moving experience indeed to look on as the boy choristers shuffle in to the chapel ready for the annual service.

DOM? He’s a great guy. An action man. Gets things done. Now Gav’s gone, he’s the hardest dude I know. He only lifts me up so we can be at eye level.

DESPERATE Joanna Kramer, aged 35, has set her self-esteem aside to go on a date with useless prick Tom Booker, aged 38. Will it be a love for the ages?

Sprawling lazily across the Worcestershire countryside like a stain on Britain’s trousers, Redditch is where to put down roots if you don't mind living with the low-life overspill even Birmingham couldn't tolerate.

YOU’RE nobody on the billionaire scene if you’ve not got your own island. We all laugh at Elon Musk for not investing in an archipelago. Here are mine, from worst to best.

‘I regret ever getting that parrot,’ your parrot says, mournfully.

WAKING in a skip on an industrial estate in what would appear to be Doncaster, bedded down in the broken glass of a gross or more of rum bottles, I sigh.

I DID moan rather about Baroness Mone during the pandemic, never giving me a minute’s peace and so on. It seemed my wife listened. ‘Are you the bra woman? Piss off.’