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Let’s move to a Midlands town that's a byword for provincial shitness! This week: Wolverhampton

Queen Victoria described it as a ‘large and dirty town’, a description Wulfrunians wear with pride. While calling themselves Wulfrunians which is clearly unacceptable, as is the accent.

Mash Blind Date: Piers Morgan and the Meghan Markle he met and considered a friend, not the lying bitch she's become

IN 2016, Piers Morgan met Meghan Markle in the Scarsdale Tavern and they became friends. Then she changed. Can he rewrite history to make a better world?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

A pet shop might sound like a good idea but shops live for a really long time.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that arsehole Boris Johnson

Make an enemy of the C of E and we will come after you, take off your gonads with a clawhammer and make you watch as we crush them with a steamroller!

What a waste of time. Do they think he's never lied to a Parlimentary Privilege Committee before?

‘And what can they do?’ ‘Ask me questions,’ he said, biting both bars of a Kinder Bueno at once. ‘Ask for evidence, all the usual shit. If they conclude I’ve misled Parliament I’m meant to resign.’

I told a Ukrainian why we're ditching Britain’s greatest wartime leader since Churchill. She called us a country of dickheads

Of course Boris – the political colossus who steered us through Brexit and a pandemic – must stay. Of course he’s done nothing wrong. Of course this is all a Remainer coup.

Let's move to a bit of south London with no tube and prams everywhere! This week: Crystal Palace

The main hub is the Crystal Palace triangle: three streets which feature everything from wanky pubs to wanky cafes to wanky pubs that do coffees to wanky cafes that sell beer.

Mash Blind Date: a 51-year-old and his 19-year-old sexy barista dream date who's frankly horrified

UNFULFILLED divorcee Tom Booker has long lusted after Sophie Rodriguez, the hot barista he speaks to daily. She’s not keen. They’re on a date.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Put an NFT of some cheese on a mousetrap and guarantee getting the worst of those little bastards.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… spaghetti-haired fucker Michael Fabricant

You just reached deep up your arsehole and pulled out this shit about teachers and nurses. Your brain, that barely-functioning organ nesting somewhere in that fucking mess of spaghetti, didn’t get a fucking look-in, did it?