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TO say sorry for all the lives lost in elderly care homes, Matt Hancock has used his I’m A Celebrity money to buy each of them a mechanical rodeo bull.

WAKING with a start in unfamiliar surroundings, I realise that I am actually in my own bed. A wheelbarrow at the bedside affords some clue as to how I was transported here. 

THE papers say it was my best PMQs yet. I arrive home and the door’s locked. ‘No prime ministers of poor countries,’ my wife says on the intercom.

THEY’RE meant to hate racism. The left, the woke, the warriors of social justice. But this racism? Fine with them. Be as prejudiced as you want about private schools.

If you have a problematic relationship with alcohol or want to cultivate one, then the Marble City’s the place for you.

LOVER of the outdoors Jack Browne, aged 28, is thrilled to be dating Hannah Tomlinson, aged 25, who hates all that crap but fancies men who do it.

You're flattered when the barmaid at your local remembers what you had last time you were in. Fifteen pints of Stella, eight Jägerbombs and a scuffle in the car park.

WAKING in the jungle, breath pungent with kangaroo’s testicles, surrounded by slumbering elderly and eminent men in cassocks, I dimly recall how I came to be here.

BEGINNING her residency in the gambling capital of the USA, Adele explains why she only took the gig to make bank in the arcades.

IF Spanish food’s any good, how come the Costa del Sol’s full of English pubs selling English food? Answer me that.