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BATMAN movies keep coming, ever-darker, ever-ignoring that bats aren’t scary even post-Wuhan. Is 2008’s The Dark Knight the best one ever, or crap?

ON the fringes of, but thankfully not part of, the blighted industrial wasteland of the Black Country, Stourbridge has but two claims to fame – glassblowing and late 80s indie.

MIND-BOGGLING as it is to contemplate, there is a greater variety of size, shape and flavour of boobs than there are of crisps.

DON'T be tempted to experiment with a Ouija board this Halloween. You’re already a gullible bastard who believes in horoscopes so there's no need to advertise it.

AS I come to, I realise a cat is in the middle of a bowel movement, excreting directly into my ear canal. I attended a drinks reception at Downing Street last night and must have fallen asleep in Larry’s litter tray.

I THOUGHT only my generation had computer games, in the same way my parents didn’t have streaming or the internet, just wooden spinning tops to entertain them during the war.

INOFFENSIVE, picturesque Durham. Without the fun factor of Newcastle or the ruggedness of Darlington, this medieval site instead thrives on inane wankiness, claiming to have its own shade of purple.

THANKS to unrealistic body images in movies, porn and the imaginings of your own filthy mind, you’d think everyone is an abnormal freak with a toned arse, a clearly defined neck and no beer gut. 

AS a millionaire Hollywood star who can shag anyone, I don’t get down to Sainsbury’s as much as I could. Now I’ve got 1,400 Nectar points burning a hole in my pocket. Here’s how I’ll smash through the f**king lot.

They say cocks come in all shapes and sizes but that’s not true. No-one’s ever seen one the shape and size of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.