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THE patriarchy in Hollywood has denied me the chance to be a movie star, even though Cats wasn’t my fault. So I’m cutting out the middleman and putting myself in these.

IN five days, Liz Truss will become prime minister even though the country has no idea who she is. They’re meeting for the first time over tapas.

Widely regarded as the cultural capital of Ireland, this beautiful city boasts a rich history and proud identity, all of which has been entirely eclipsed by Ed Sheeran’s Galway Girl. 

FANTASIES of being forced into sex are common. Fantasies of being obligated to go down are non-existent, because the blowjob you’re guilted into pleases nobody.

Is your favourite Bond Timothy Dalton? You may be entitled to compensation.

WAKING in the crypt, I recall beginning morning service with the Lord urging me to crack an 1881 Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

NAH then. Proud Sheffield native and Blades fan Sean Bean here. Sometimes acting means doing a non-Yorkshire accent. I can do these five in my f**king sleep.

IN voting for Liz Truss, I had one caveat: could she be trusted? Did she recognise what Britain truly needed? Does she have the courage to resign immediately? For Boris?

The laid-back vibes cover Portsmouth like a film of diesel over a cross-channel ferry port, so uptight mainlanders – get used to it.

GOOD sex is about asking questions of partners who you’re never going to see again, whose answers you can trust. Not your actual husband, girlfriend or f**kbuddy.