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WAKING in intensive care, following a WhatsApp challenge from His All Holiness Bartholomew I of Constantinople that I could read the Ryan Giggs poem to the end without hurling, I regret my naivety.

ONCE you’re catapulted into stardom, as I was when I was Doctor Who for a bit, you get a contact book like you wouldn’t believe. These are five of my most A-list friends.

WITH a Rotten Tomatoes user score of 95 per cent and a high ranking in every ‘greatest films of all time’ poll, it’s practically illegal not to love Saving Private Ryan. So what on earth could be wrong with this flawless WW2 masterpiece?

WEIRD steeplejack Fred Dibnah grew up in Bolton and destroyed chimneys, to the delight of 1970s TV viewers. There wasn’t streaming in those days.

SEX toys allow you to kick back alone and let the batteries do the work. But sometimes you feel a little intimidated as you double-check your partner's not around and pull down your pants.

EVERY household with kids has a bag of potato smileys in the freezer. With luck, your broccoli LMAOs will be even bigger.

WAKING up following a late evening with the editor of the Church Times culminating in my diverting ecclesiastical funds to buy the pub when they wouldn't serve past closing time, I find myself with an unaccountable raging thirst. 

AS a globe-trotting celebrity megastar, one of my passions is local museums. But here are just five examples where my visit has resulted in a lifetime ban from the assholes that run the place.

RAIN can put a real damper on a barbecue - pun intended! Here’s how to stop a sudden downpour causing you to have a slight mental breakdown and do A Very Bad Thing.

WALES’ capital is a magnet for party people. Packed with pubs and nightclubs, it combines cheap drinks with the very low bar of not being in England.