The text arrived as Zelensky was speaking. 'Yeah. You fucked the wrong comedy national leader'

Watching BBC Parliament, I had two thoughts: first, where’s my vibrator? Second, Big Dog is going to go fucking spare.

Let’s move to a railway junction of deprivation! This week: Crewe

You’ve probably changed trains here once. Maybe, if there was an hour or more’s delay, you wandered out to find a street of Cash Converters and obviously violent pubs and concluded it was rough near the station. No. It’s all like that.

How to cook the perfect poached egg, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

AS A chef, I’m frequently asked is how to poach the perfect egg. If that’s your biggest problem in life go fuck yourself with a rusty saw, because some of us dream of being that fucking lucky.

Mash Blind Date: 'We divorced in 2017, is this some kind of sick joke?'

'I’m pretty sure he wet himself in terror just after the starter, when he admitted he was seeing that bitch who used to walk our dogs. To be fair I was reasonably close to murder.'

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

You will die this Thursday at 4.16pm. Sorry to be unusually specific on this occasion but it’s better you know.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Sir Gavin fuckface Williamson

You’ve got something on Johnson, haven’t you? You’ve quite obviously got something on him, you anus-faced, vacuous, useless little fucking prick!

Of course Liz Truss wants an AK-47 for a photoshoot. Of fucking course she does

I TOOK the call. ‘RAF Barnham here, we’ve a blonde woman says she’s foreign secretary? And she’s looking to check an AK-47 out of stores for a photoshoot?’

Putin's war has really hit home to me. I have a Ukrainian cleaner

FOR some, this war is an abstract thing, happening far from us. They add flags to social media, share crushes on President Zelensky, and go about their day.

Obviously I had to do the questionnaire. Boris said he's never done homework in his life and he’s not starting now

ONE of the maids brought me the questionnaire, crumpled and stained with Merlot. She had this face on her like she was trying to hide her disgust. So she’s fired.

Let's move to Wales's worst shithole! This week: Newport, Gwent

Like a fatberg-clogged sewer at the bottom of the Valleys, Newport is easily Wales’s most dismally shit-flecked city and was voted ‘most likely to be built on top of an open Hellmouth’.