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DESPERATE Joanna Kramer, aged 35, has set her self-esteem aside to go on a date with useless prick Tom Booker, aged 38. Will it be a love for the ages?

Sprawling lazily across the Worcestershire countryside like a stain on Britain’s trousers, Redditch is where to put down roots if you don't mind living with the low-life overspill even Birmingham couldn't tolerate.

YOU’RE nobody on the billionaire scene if you’ve not got your own island. We all laugh at Elon Musk for not investing in an archipelago. Here are mine, from worst to best.

‘I regret ever getting that parrot,’ your parrot says, mournfully.

WAKING in a skip on an industrial estate in what would appear to be Doncaster, bedded down in the broken glass of a gross or more of rum bottles, I sigh.

I DID moan rather about Baroness Mone during the pandemic, never giving me a minute’s peace and so on. It seemed my wife listened. ‘Are you the bra woman? Piss off.’

I LOVE a big TV show. There’s nothing better than sitting down with the new series of Umbrella Academy for ten hours straight.

STREET food? What, like a burger van parked in a town centre at pub chucking-out time for all the pissheads?

DIRTY talk is hot, except when you try it. Then the only hot part is your flushed, ashamed face as you pray for an embarrassment-induced stroke.

TO say sorry for all the lives lost in elderly care homes, Matt Hancock has used his I’m A Celebrity money to buy each of them a mechanical rodeo bull.