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WAKING on a children’s roundabout liberally bedecked in blood, I rotate calmly while recalling the events that led me to my present pass.

‘HE calls you a paedo enabler and Sir Softy is what you hit back with? Do you not even pay attention when I am insulting you?’ my wife asks, not unreasonably.

BEFORE Take That appear at the Coronation Concert next month, frontman and social climber Gary Barlow explains how to constantly attempt to be a national treasure.

LONG days, crazy nights, the spring sun shining overhead – it’s the perfect time to wanker up by donning the headgear of rahs and chavs! But how to wear it?

FREEING your soul and expanding your consciousness while reaching new heights of sexual pleasure; it sounds alright, but it takes bloody hours.

PUT your hands inside two Pringles tubes to find out what it’s like being Abu Hamza. This works best if you are extremely bored.

WAKING up slumped over the railings at Buckingham Palace, I blearily recall visiting King Charles to let him know I would not be attending his coronation as I was working the next morning and fancied having Saturday off.

MARKETING executive Lucy Parry, 29, is looking for love. STD victim James Bates, 30, is looking for a cream that will make it less painful to urinate. Will romance blossom?

THE praise heaped upon 28 Days Later is more appropriate for Danny Boyle actually having invented cinema, not giving zombie films a makeover. Here’s why it’s somewhat overrated.

DID you know Freud’s idea of the Oedipus complex, first introduced in The Interpretation of Dreams in 1899, is the direct result of seeing his mum’s tits?