Premium

I LOVE a big TV show. There’s nothing better than sitting down with the new series of Umbrella Academy for ten hours straight.

STREET food? What, like a burger van parked in a town centre at pub chucking-out time for all the pissheads?

DIRTY talk is hot, except when you try it. Then the only hot part is your flushed, ashamed face as you pray for an embarrassment-induced stroke.

TO say sorry for all the lives lost in elderly care homes, Matt Hancock has used his I’m A Celebrity money to buy each of them a mechanical rodeo bull.

WAKING with a start in unfamiliar surroundings, I realise that I am actually in my own bed. A wheelbarrow at the bedside affords some clue as to how I was transported here. 

THE papers say it was my best PMQs yet. I arrive home and the door’s locked. ‘No prime ministers of poor countries,’ my wife says on the intercom.

THEY’RE meant to hate racism. The left, the woke, the warriors of social justice. But this racism? Fine with them. Be as prejudiced as you want about private schools.

If you have a problematic relationship with alcohol or want to cultivate one, then the Marble City’s the place for you.

LOVER of the outdoors Jack Browne, aged 28, is thrilled to be dating Hannah Tomlinson, aged 25, who hates all that crap but fancies men who do it.

You're flattered when the barmaid at your local remembers what you had last time you were in. Fifteen pints of Stella, eight Jägerbombs and a scuffle in the car park.