He knows full well who Lorraine is. I've caught him wanking to her

HE’S not at his best in the morning. Takes him a while to warm up. Which is one explanation why his interview went so very fucking badly.

Why cooking for vegans needn't be a hassle, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

VEGANISM’S hot right now, so let’s celebrate healthy, plant-based diets! It’s not like vegans are holier-than-thou twats who deserve their soy protein rammed up their arses, is it?

Let’s move to a grim Yorkshire city famous for cutlery and The Full Monty! This week: Sheffield

The local delicacy is Henderson’s Relish, which the locals put on everything from cheese on toast to fish and chips. Try not to say it’s a shit version of Worcestershire sauce. Just think it.

Mash Blind Date: a lifelong Londoner meets a man from the distant land known as 'the North'

CAN Highgate resident Francesca, tired of dating men who open with what school they went to, connect with Nathan from the tiny, backward hamlet of Manchester?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

If you ever see a little black bag hanging from a tree do not pick it. That fruit is not of the fruitbowl, my friend.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Elon twatting Musk

WAKING at four in the morning in a puddle of my own vomit following a late and convivial evening with theologian friends, I pick up my battered mitre.

I brought up Angela Rayner. He immediately said 'I would'

‘Angela Rayner?’ he said. ‘Definitely. Red hair, red politics, all the other red flags? I wouldn’t turn that down. Incendiary in bed. Christ.’

An open letter to Elon Musk, by Tommy Robinson

DEAR Elon Musk. You are a billionaire. I am but a humble bankrupt patriot. But you can save me, Britain and Western civilisation by letting me back on Twitter.

Let’s move to a Midlands town that's a byword for provincial shitness! This week: Wolverhampton

Queen Victoria described it as a ‘large and dirty town’, a description Wulfrunians wear with pride. While calling themselves Wulfrunians which is clearly unacceptable, as is the accent.

Mash Blind Date: Piers Morgan and the Meghan Markle he met and considered a friend, not the lying bitch she's become

IN 2016, Piers Morgan met Meghan Markle in the Scarsdale Tavern and they became friends. Then she changed. Can he rewrite history to make a better world?