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MY LIFE has been nothing but a series of catastrophic failures and humiliating f**k-ups. But it’s not my fault. It’s Doctor Who’s.
I THOUGHT I was ready for anything as your undercover agent in the Tories. Interrogation, danger, all that. But not the whole world thinking I’m a cretin.
Nestled among the rolling flatness of Somerset, Glastonbury is a retreat for lifestyle-choice hippies escaping the capitalist ideologies blighting our century and who are wealthy enough to do so.
Aries, March 21st–April 19th All those pornos with step-siblings really downplay how much they made you play Mario Kart with the shitty controller.
AWAKING, an empty vodka bottle in one hand, I find myself in a large, cathedral-like edifice festooned with flowers and comely maidens.
YOUR agents say there’s nothing I can do to make the situation worse and I should sit tight, Sir Keir. But they don’t know me like you do.
WANT to appreciate your bed? Push yourself into a sexual experience in a public location and thrill to the fear of being charged with indecent exposure.
Not quite the Midlands, not quite the South, Banbury is like a shit northern town that missed the train home from a non-league game and decided to stay.
ALL top stars have their vices. For Mick Jagger it was pussy, for Keith Richards heroin, and for me it’s Haribo. Can’t get enough. No self-control. I’m ranking my top five.
A baby bird becomes attached to the first thing it sees after hatching. Like come on, shop around.