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EVERY week, we ask a celebrity to imagine how they would live life as Paul Chuckle, aged 74, of Rotherham. Top Gun star Tom Cruise has a go.

TWENTY-FIVE years ago Radiohead released OK Computer, one of the most turgid albums ever played to son by dad. Here’s what’s wrong with it.

Your family cat coughs up a hairball, but the hair is all light blonde. This is how you discover your wife is shagging Boris Johnson.

Death! We’re all gonna die, soon! Even Cliff Richard! Prepare for f**king death! Don’t prance around like you’re a perpetual 25 year old! Death! Death!

DEAD MAN WALKING, the headlines said. He wasn’t a dead man back here. More like a man given a punishment-free year.

POST-JUBILEE, post no-confidence, Britain’s waking up to the truth that the ruling classes absolutely rule. Want to establish yourself as establishment? Slip into these.

Birthplace of Oscar Wilde, WB Yeats, James Joyce, and George Bernard Shaw, who all emigrated as soon as possible, Dublin is truly one of Europe’s great cultural centers.

IS it wrong for a 34-year-old career woman to find more fulfilment in the vacant space where her date should be than if he was present?

All this really drives home that Charles isn’t even going to manage a Silver Jubilee, doesn’t it? Poor prick will be lucky to make Tin.

FOLLOWING an inebriated altercation with a Songs of Praise runner – these things frequently happen in the ‘rough and tumble’ of religious broadcasting – I wake in a cell.