Aries, March 21st–April 19th
People keep saying you’re punching above your weight, so you’ve put on four stone.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
“The uncrossed ‘t’ suggests procrastination, while the looped ‘h’ indicates a tempestuous streak. But why is it written in blood?”
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
You’re never too young to start claiming things were better in your day. My six-month-old cries constantly and I know it’s because of woke newborns.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
But if that court ruling is correct it means Piers Morgan’s some kind of lying arsehole. That can’t possibly be right.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
If the driver of the bus you are on is behaving in a rude and aggressive fashion, demand he stop. He represents you all and you can’t have your name attached to this.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
A leopard can’t change his spots, but he can change his car insurance if he’d just bother to look into it instead of renewing automatically. Lazy cat twat.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Drivers do not like you standing by the side of the road and giving a thumbs up to express how much you like their car. Sometimes they even pull over in rage.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
‘Look, if I’ve got a gun, I’m going to fucking shoot someone with it.’ Anton Chekhov, writer and playwright, 1860-1904.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Drink-driving in the 1970s: explain to the police you’ve only had eight pints, pay a shilling fine, then off to the next pub in your Austin Maxi.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Buy your wife 100 boxes of tampons to prove how unembarrassed about it you are.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Dua Lipa’s new song is called Houdini because you can punch her in the stomach as hard as you like and she won’t even feel it.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
It’s time to order mulled wine, scald your tongue on mulled wine, and sue the primary school Christmas fete for trying to kill you with mulled fucking wine.