By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who believes the SAS have a moral duty to terminate Gary Lineker
ENOUGH wishy-washy centrism. The voters hate it or they wouldn’t have voted Lib Dem. Doubt not, Conservatives. There is always further right.
The National Conservatism Conference – so chock-full of common sense it’s made lesbians six miles away awaken to their true biological destiny – has shown the way.
A parade of luminaries, resplendent against unblinking royal blue, opened their mouths and truth fell out. One cannot hear ‘the omnipresent heirs of the Blob have drunk the hemlock of decline’ and walk away unchanged.
The centre ground is scorched earth. The territory once held by UKIP is annexed and occupied. Time, like those bold adventurers of Empire, to strike out to new lands of hitherto undiscovered right-wingness.
Sell the NHS. Destroy the BBC. Let work camps for the feckless, unwisely pregnant or voluntarily mentally ill be a mere refuelling stop.
Compulsory working. Compulsory commuting to preserve the unique character of our office districts. Food available by Pret subscription only. All men to be armed at all times.
Ten-year sentences for littering, 20 for riding a bike on the pavement, and life for cannabis. Demolish their houses, send their children to Wales, and hang the health and safety. Hang them in the town square during a torchlit National Conservatism rally.
Let the scales fall from the electorate’s eyes. Let them realise ‘hey, we’re bastards, let’s act like bastards!’ Let our country forge ahead, tacking ever rightward, leaving the US floundering in our wake.
Because if we do it? Turn independent, unshackled Britain into an authoritarian utopia? I’ve a funny feeling the voters will say ‘You know what? You were right all along.’