Six people I'm more famous than even though you've never heard of me, by Doja Cat

9th May 2023

YOU’VE heard her songs without realising and asked ‘which one’s that?’ at the Met Gala, but Doja Cat is far more famous than those you consider A-list celebrities. She explains:

While you weren’t looking, I won a Grammy. While you were still considering Tamzin Outhwaite to be a person of fame, I was scoring platinum albums.

I’m the biggest cat in showbusiness: bigger than Deeley, bigger than Stevens, bigger than Top Cat and Cat Bin Woman. And I am more famous than all these motherfuckers:

Harry Kane

A soccer player who isn’t Ronaldo? Why even bother? He’s not even part of the inspiring Wrexham story. It’s pathetic that this Frankenstein-head-freak could walk into a pub and you assholes are ‘oh wow, Harry Kane’ and I’m sitting on five point five million Twitter followers and I could be tending bar and you wouldn’t blink.

Adam Woodyatt

How can a man have appeared in near-4,000 episodes of EastEnders for 36 continuous years, a familiar face to every man, woman and child in your tiny country, and still be less famous than I am? When I only broke through five years ago with a viral track about being a cow? You would have to be some kind of serious, bar-setting loser.

Alexander Graham Bell

I’m way more famous than some old ass Scottish trivia-answer. A guy who claims he invented the telephone, apparently the precursor to the iPhone, and I’m meant to be impressed? Nobody calls anybody anymore. This guy invented something nobody used and I presented the MTV Awards in 2021, and he’s famous?

Steve Davis

Word is out that he’s a big deal. Noted for his methodical nature, devastating scoring, watertight safety game and DJing. Motherfucker also scored a top ten hit, and his comeback in the 1985 UK Championship against Willie Thorne was dope. But over in LA you couldn’t pick him out of a line-up of puffy white men.

Jonathan Ross

Who? Hosts a chat show? One night a week at half past goddamn ten? Come on. That shit don’t fly. Chat shows are five nights a week at half past midnight, and the English host is James Corden. Jonathan Ross is just a rumour, man, something you people make up to fool foreigners. And he’s more famous than me? Fuck no.

King Charles III

Okay, you know what? Right now he’s got the edge. But we’ve tried this spin-off shit so many times in the US and believe me, he’s gonna be Joey to the Queen’s Friends. Angel to her Buffy. Golden Palace to her Golden Girls. His dress sense is wack, his Queen’s a horse, everyone prefers his momma and his boy. Bye bye Charlie.

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This week in Mash History: Henry VIII sits through a really boring mass, 1528

8th May 2023

THE schism between England and the Catholic Church, widely considered the Brexit of the 16th century, decided our future for centuries.

But did Henry VIII, the country’s cuddliest king, mastermind the papal break because of his need for a divorce and a male heir? Or was he motivated by finding sitting through a whole mass fucking deadly?

To quote from the personal papers of Cardinal Wolsey: “My worries for our King deepen day by day. On asking what wisdom the Lord blessed him with, he replied ‘Wisdom? All I heard was a dullard priest droning on for an hour and a sodding half in Latin.’

“His Majesty has grown overfond of lavish entertainment, of society balls or the thrill of a three-day hunt. I advised the altar server to give it extra welly with the incense, but he did not deign to notice and I spied his head nod during the transubstantiation of the Eucharist. And that’s the fun bit.

“His love of the lavish even made the dawn mass that bit more arduous for him. Though Henry claims never to have suffered the dark consequences of mead, yet he was still seen to have inhaled a barrel of ale yestereve.

“I doubt this lingering poison will have made his reception of the homily on the holy virtues of fasting any jollier. He has confided in me honestly about the trials of his faith, from his disaffection towards his lady Queen to the vast sums of taxation the Vatican demands.

“Yet it is my honest opinion that he would have forgiven these faults were it not for this morning’s stunningly slow rendition of the Lord’s Prayer. I fear the depths of boredom the King was forced to may cause him to act rashly.”

And so, despite warnings that Protestantism wouldn’t be any more exciting, the King was set in his desire to reform the Church and burn every last monastery to the ground out of revenge.

Next week: to 1970, when The Sun newspaper’s Page 3 invented tits.

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