YOU get one, then an upgrade, then a quick-and-easy handbag-sized one for dates, and suddenly you’ve got a whole battalion of sex toys doing the grunt work for you.
But where do you keep them that’s easy access for busy, horny days but won’t find them gently buzzing in the hands of a questing child? Anywhere but these places:
At pet height
Hide something from a toddler and they forget it exists, but pets have powerful noses and love your specific scent very, very much. So out of jumping height unless you want the dog wandering in, tail wagging, with a dildo in its jaws or the cat pouncing on your anal beads.
Too securely
Padlocked in a box and on top of the wardrobe, nobody’s stumbling across these. There, you say, with a glow of satisfaction that soon turns into the urge for a little strum. Now you’ve got to find the key and get the stepladder to free your vibrator, when you only have it to skip all the tedious foreplay.
With all your other sex toys
Hiding all the playthings, from the exotic to the never actually used, in one location lacks deniability. If your in-laws come across them in their multitudes, you’re fucked. They’ll never let you pass the gravy again. So conceal your precious toys in different easily-forgotten locations around the house, like the children do.
With other secret things
If there’s one thing kids are on top of, it’s where you keep the good stuff. From a stash of Percy Pigs to all their presents you’ve earmarked for regifting, they know where it is. Don’t, therefore, pop a butt plug in alongside them unless you want to find your daughter using it as a hair accessory.
In plain sight
You think you’re so damn clever, keeping your clitoral suction stimulator in the pot with your toothbrush, your prostate massager alongside your mini dumbbells, your Hitachi wand in the kitchen drawer with the electric whisk. All very well until your mother comes to stay and whips up a lemon meringue pie for pudding.
