Five great two-month breaks for secret lizard people, by the Princess of Wales

KATE’S absence from public life has led to dreadful tittle-tattle and rumours, but the mundane truth is simply that she’s reverted to lizard form. Here she reveals her favourite places to visit as a reptile.

A cruise on the Med

The Royals have a suite booked all year on a Mediterranean cruise ship for whenever disaster strikes. Been papped dressed as a Nazi? On the boat you go. Done a car crash Newsnight interview about Epstein? Pack your swimming cozzie. I love it – we stop in Barcelona every Tuesday, there’s a free bar, and Gareth Gates is the guest act. Plus the cabins go up to a balmy 70F. Perfect for when you just want to kick back and lick your own eyeballs.

A staycation

Hunkering down in Kensington Palace is perfect for some R&R when your body transforms back into its standard 6 foot 7 inch lizard size. We have a vivarium out the back so I can lie on a hot rock to regulate my body temperature while still being served by my staff of 20. Also, whenever I click my fingers, my personal chef releases a thousand live crickets into any room of the house. Bliss.

Center Parcs

Center Parcs is great for the kids but pricey. Wills is worth over a billion quid but we still can’t afford starters when we eat out, and hiring bikes is a no-no. However if we watch our spending we can book a place with a hot tub. I like to lie motionless on the side with my three lizard children, occasionally dislocating my jaw to eat a live rat like Diana from V. Luckily we have snipers surrounding the site in case anyone tries to take a snap and sell it to the papers.

Las Vegas

The hot weather and the mantra ‘What happens in Vegas…’ makes Sin City a wonderful place to disappear to for months without causing too much fuss. A huge walking lizard blends into the background in a place like this. People just think I’ve escaped from a Siegfried and Roy-style show. But don’t get me started on how hard it is to hold gambling chips in your scaly, dry lizard claws.


Ah, the Caribbean, my holiday location of choice. The laidback atmosphere means men, women and shapeshifting Illuminati lizards alike can relax over a boozy pina colada, so long as you don’t eat anyone. It’s here on the beach I do my best evil plotting. Covid, Galloway winning Rochdale, your mind-control chip, the disappointing Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow – I came up with all of those here. See you in June, sheeple.

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Gen Zers dual screening porn 

YOUNG people are adept at watching two different genres of pornography simultaneously on separate devices, it has emerged.

Gen-Zers have confirmed they are perfectly capable of keeping track of anal playing on a laptop while also following a MILF and stepson video on their phone.

Joshua Hudson, aged 19, said: “I’ve been using multiple screens at once my whole life. The fact that people watch porn for the singleminded purpose of reaching orgasm is no reason for me to concentrate on one thing at a time.

“In fact, I get bored if I try to sit through an entire two-minute long supercut of money shots, and have to have something else on as well in an attempt to satisfy my chronically stunted attention span.

“If my parents are out I’ll also put another video on the telly. It can be tricky trying to juggle a phone, laptop, the TV remote and my penis, but I’m getting pretty good at that now. It’s multitasking, isn’t it? And that’s a transferable skill.”

Hudson’s father Martin said: “We know he does it and that it’s just a healthy part of growing up.

“I just wish he’d remember to change the settings so he doesn’t accidentally cast Squirtwoman 3 to the living room TV when we’re trying to watch The Repair Shop.”