Tuesday, 7th July 2020

Andy Murray to retire from being Scottish

ANDY Murray has admitted he is suffering too much to continue being Scottish and is to retire to a cottage in Kent.

Murray, who first took up Scottishness at the age of seven, told fans that it was simply taking too much of a toll on his body and after the Australian Open he would revert to being from the Cotswolds.

He said: “The older I get, the more apparent it is that being Scottish is a young man’s game. I need a break.

“Consequently, after representing Scotland in a sport Scotland has nothing but contempt for one final time, I will drop the whole Celtic thing and settle back to the default option of easy Englishness.

“I have to admit it’ll be a relief. My patriotic pride in the nation of William Wallace, Culloden and the deep-fried Mars bar was increasingly difficult to maintain, and I was struggling with the mandatory alcoholism.

“I’ll never regret the time I spent being Scottish but, like Irvine Welsh, I’ve reached the point where I have no option but to move on.”

He added: “It’ll be so much easier not having to pretend Irn-Bru is in some way good.”