Andy Murray to retire from being Scottish

ANDY Murray has admitted he is suffering too much to continue being Scottish and is to retire to a cottage in Kent.

Murray, who first took up Scottishness at the age of seven, told fans that it was simply taking too much of a toll on his body and after the Australian Open he would revert to being from the Cotswolds.

He said: “The older I get, the more apparent it is that being Scottish is a young man’s game. I need a break.

“Consequently, after representing Scotland in a sport Scotland has nothing but contempt for one final time, I will drop the whole Celtic thing and settle back to the default option of easy Englishness.

“I have to admit it’ll be a relief. My patriotic pride in the nation of William Wallace, Culloden and the deep-fried Mars bar was increasingly difficult to maintain, and I was struggling with the mandatory alcoholism.

“I’ll never regret the time I spent being Scottish but, like Irvine Welsh, I’ve reached the point where I have no option but to move on.”

He added: “It’ll be so much easier not having to pretend Irn-Bru is in some way good.”

Are you an office sociopath or an actual sociopath?

ARE you unsure if you’re just a horrible person to work with or a proper psycho who collects severed fingers? Take our quiz and find out.

You find a colleague unwittingly drinking from your special Garfield mug. What do you do?

A) Totally overreact, accusing them of ‘showing a lack of personal respect’.

B) Sew their lips together.

A member of staff makes a serious but honest mistake. What do you do?

A) Unnecessarily humiliate them in front of the entire office.

B) Unnecessarily torture them in a warehouse full of Saw-style themed punishments, eg. forcing them to eat a calculator for cocking up the invoices.

How do you deal with minor disputes with co-workers?

A) Go ballistic in a really mental fashion that leaves a tense atmosphere.

B) Say nothing, start following them home from work, check out van rentals and order some chloroform and cable ties.

Your company organises a rounders game on Friday with drinks and nibbles. How do you behave?

A) You are way too competitive, spoiling everyone’s fun.

B) You are way too competitive, lopping off all the opposing teams’ arms and legs with a chainsaw.

Where’s that guy Andy who used to work here?

A) Working for Vodafone in Mitcham after he got sick of your manipulative, unstable personality.

B) In a shallow grave in the woods. Apart from his head, which is in your basement with Mother.

Mostly As. You are a workplace sociopath. You’re a pain in the arse for everyone you work with, but at least you’re not sauteing their brains. Yet.

Mostly Bs. You are a violent, out-of-control psychopath. But as long as you turn up to work on time, HR are unlikely to be bothered.