DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.
Anfield Rap, Liverpool FC, 1998
There are men who’ve never heard music again after hearing this. They couldn’t forgive it. Features Bruce Grobbelaar rapping. After releasing this Liverpool lost the FA Cup to Wimbledon, and deserved worse.
World in Motion, New Order, 1990
New Order at their blandest with admittedly the only rap every Englishman aged 35-50 knows by heart. It’s a shame Joy Division can’t reunite to do their classic song for England in this tournament, New Dawn Fades.
Here We Go, Everton FC, 1985
You know that song that goes ‘Here We Go’? That f**king one.
Don’t Come Home Too Soon, Del Amitri, 1998
The foreknowledge of Scotland’s inevitable defeat runs right through this one, which must have been a great comfort for Colin Hendry and the lads as they went off to play Brazil. May as well have been titled ‘Futile Optimism in the Face of Overwhelming Odds’.
Three Lions, David Baddiel, Frank Skinner and The Lightning Seeds, 1996
F**k off, f**k off and f**k off. Gloopy, laddish, saccharine bollocks that provides an unwelcome reminder of The Lightning Seeds. Now an anthem for morons who will probably have it played at their wedding, and Sir Keir Starmer.
Together Stronger (C’mon Wales), Manic Street Preachers, 2016
A passionate slab of football strumming by the Manics, the ever-reliable Volvo of stadium rock, who resisted the impulse to call Jamie Vardy a ‘walking atrocity abortion of suicide’ like they would have in ’93.
The Big Man and the Scream Team meet the Barmy Army Uptown, Primal Scream, Irvine Welsh & On-U-Sound, 1996
What could be more patriotic than a blissed-out slice of psychedelic dub with noted Hibernian fan Irvine Welsh ranting about Rangers fans over the top? Most things really. That’s why this is still alright.