Djokovic to defend title via Zoom

TENNIS star Novak Djokovic is to compete in the Australian Open remotely via Zoom, it has been confirmed.

With Australia cancelling Djokovic’s visa for a second time ahead of his first match on Monday, the 34-year-old Serbian will work from home by playing all of his games over the video conferencing platform.

His agent said: “We’ll place a laptop on the court with the webcam facing his opponent, then he’ll dial in from the comfort of his sofa in Belgrade. It’s not an ideal solution, but this is what the new normal looks like.

“People in the room will throw balls at him and he’ll volley them right back at 125mph. It was either that or the whole competition would be conducted via email, which I think you’ll agree would be ridiculous.

“The only other solution would be to get vaccinated or fill out the correct paperwork ahead of travel. But if you’ve ever met Djokovic or seen him on TV then you’ll know that sane, rational behaviour is off the table.”

Ball boy Martin Bishop said: “It’s the laptop I’m worried about. If it freezes for a second and costs him a point then he’ll pulverise it with his racket.”

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Who's stepping back from Royal duties now, bitch? By Prince Harry

LOSING your patronages? Losing your military titles? No more HRH? Well who’s the Royal outcast now, motherf**ker? 

Oh no, it seems a certain twat relative of mine – you know the one, right-wing uncle who’s handsy with your girlfriends – has suffered some kind of humiliating comeuppance. How sad. 

No more military ranks you never earned? No more patronages, the majority of which were f**king golf courses? No more of your precious ‘His Royal Highness’? No sweat. Apparently. We’ll find out. 

Hope you enjoy stepping back from your Royal duties, my fellow Duke. Hope you like spending the remainder of your life poking about Balmoral, grouse staring from the heather as bewildered as you.

No hard feelings, I’m in the same boat. Patronages, medals, HRH, all that shit gone. Except I’m wasn’t being sued for sexual assault of a minor or anything. I just moved to America. 

Makes my treatment seem a bit disproportionate doesn’t it, Dad? Doesn’t it, bruv? Makes you look like a pair of wankers sheltering a sex offender while apparently I’m ‘upsetting Granny’ by having a Netflix deal. 

Anyway, hope the trial goes well, Uncle Andy! And I hope you one day get that job you’ve been waiting for, Dad. You too, Willy. I’ll be over here, living my best life.