THE England team have admitted they are suffering fatigue after nine months of desultory sex with every spray-tanned trollop they encounter in motorway hotels.
Before today’s knockout game against DR Congo, the squad have confirmed a full season of driving their childish cars to the High Wycombe Holiday Inn for wanton intercourse with wave after wave of fake-breasted wannabe WAGs has left their tanks empty.
Thomas Tuchel said: “We need to take a fresh look at the league schedule. Even with sport scientists, nutritionists and psychologists these boys cannot handle the shagging.
“Top-flight players are wheelbarrowing six filthy, fame-hungry strumpets a weekend, and that’s not counting European games. They’re chin-deep in gash, then we ask them to fly to America and do it all again?
“During European Championship and World Cup years we need to look at giving them time off, so they can come to international games fresh to the challenge of 30 blonde, pox-ridden floozies homing in on them like they’re big, stupid bastards with too much money.”
But leading figures in the game have dismissed skank-rationing as impossible to police, insisting it would be much simpler to identify a new generation of promising young players and then hack their testicles off.
Former England manager Glenn Hoddle said: “They could freeze some sperm if they want a family later. And it would give us a world-class squad of alert, focused eunuchs, with that extra yard of pace from not having an annoying scrotum in the way.”
