Fathers disgusted as good time had by all at sports day

FATHERS attending their children’s annual sports day were appalled that the purpose of the event appeared to be enjoyment rather than fierce competitiveness. 

As stickers were dispensed to kids regardless of where they had placed in the sack race and the biggest cheers were reserved for the ones who finished last by a large margin, the assembled dads looked on with horror to a man.

Bill McKay said: “When I was at school, there were only two emotions allowed on sports day: crowing jubilation for the victors, and abject, humiliated despair for the losers, especially the fat ones.

“How are we supposed to compete with the Chinese in the coming trade wars if we instil these pathetic, inclusive values in our kids? You wouldn’t catch Xi Jinping telling someone they were a winner just for turning up.

“I tried to insert some competitive spirit into the mum’s and dad’s egg-and-spoon race but I got accused of cheating after one young mother ran very hard into my elbow and dropped her egg.

“However, somehow, despite my incredible athleticism and sporting prowess, I came second to last. I think some of the parents must have false started.

“The sooner VAR is rolled out across all primary school sports days, the better.”

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Man wastes toilet break by forgetting his phone

A MAN has squandered his hallowed daily bowel movement on company time by leaving his phone at his desk, it has emerged.

Oliver O’Connor usually treats himself to ten paid minutes of relief and mindless scrolling shortly before his lunch break, but due to his forgetfulness he has been forced to make do with just his thoughts for entertainment.

He said: “I only realised once my pants were round my ankles and there was no going back. Why didn’t I double check my pockets as I got out of my chair? Rookie mistake.

“By rights I should be getting a dopamine hit from looking at memes while waste products leave my body. Not to mention snooping on my more attractive colleagues via Instagram before I get down to the business of wiping. It’s the best part of the day.

“Instead, here I am gazing at a cubicle door and trying to tune out the farts from whoever’s next to me. How did people cope before Apple invented a pocket-sized supercomputer? I guess they had newspapers but it’s hardly the same.

“Maybe I can distract myself by thinking of something cool and exciting like a new superhero…? No, it’s no use, my imagination died years ago. Oh well, best get back to shitting.”