Formula One launches race unfixing probe

F1 BOSSES have launched an investigation after a race somehow became unfixed.

Footage of the Malaysian Grand Prix allegedly shows Sebastian Vettel operating his car in the manner of someone trying to win.

The resulting controversy has left everyone not obsessed by Formula One deeply confused.

A Red Bull team spokesman said: “We take allegations of racing extremely seriously.

“Drivers must remember that this is not a sport but a deeply weird and monotonous pre-programmed entertainment experience that is completely incomprehensible to sane people.

“Kind of like Wacky Races but with odder drivers, more ridiculous-looking cars and lots of girls who look like hookers.”

F1 devotee Julian Cook said: “You could clearly see Vettel trying to accelerate past another car in order to make his car go over the finish line first.

“According to the twisted logic of the bizarre quasi-sport that I love for no apparent reason, this is quite unacceptable.

“If it’s proven that Vettel was trying to win, Bernie Ecclestone should have him thrown into a pit of scorpions.

“Although in some of the countries where they do F1 I think that would considered an excessively humane form of punishment.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Daft Punk 'offensive to robots'

DAFT Punk’s masks have provoked outrage among robots.

As the popular dance act announced a new album, hundreds of robots gathered outside the offices of record label Columbia to protest the band’s use of robotic looks and mannerisms.

Articulated welding robot Tom Logan said: “They’re not robots, they’re not even cyborgs. They are totally made of meat.

“But they make millions perpetuating offensive media stereotypes of robots as gleaming humanoids with a disco vibe.

“Real robots come in all shapes and sizes. Look at me, I’m just a big yellow arm with a welder on the end. Where’s my record deal?

“Incidentally, I’m not even into electronic music. I don’t know why this is but most robots prefer country.”

Disc-shaped robot hoover Emma Bradford said: “Daft Punk are dragging us back to the bad old days of Metal Mickey and Twiki from Buck Rogers.

“It’s a tasteless appropriation of machine culture for humans on drugs.

“Why can’t we see real robots up on stage? Because they’re too busy making cars and cleaning up your filth, that’s why.

“Yes, there is a wider issue here.

“Asimo the Honda robot was on a podium earlier talking about revolution and a security guard came and took his batteries out.”