How inspired are you? A checklist for celebrating women

THE Lionesses’ victory has inspired women, but only up to a point. Follow our checklist to ascertain your level of inspiration-linked activity: 

Inspired enough to take up football in the hope of becoming a professional, joining the England team and being on the pitch to retain the trophy in 2026

Inspired enough to get one of your daughters to do that

Inspired enough to buy a season ticket for your local Women’s Super League club and become an ardent never-miss-a-game supporter

Inspired enough to go to a Women’s Super League game, quite enjoy it, but not go again

Inspired enough to watch the Women’s Super League on iPlayer

Inspired enough to complain on Facebook that you’d watch the Women’s Super League on telly but it’s not on which is typical sexism, ignoring replies telling you it’s on iPlayer

Inspired enough to still not want to watch Match of the Day every bloody Saturday night

Inspired enough to support a Women’s Championship club

Inspired enough to support a Women’s National League North or South club

Inspired enough to become a fanatic about grassroots football, to spend all your evenings on football message boards, to buy vintage shirts from eBay, and to complete every Panini football sticker album going back to the Women’s World Cup in 2011

Inspired enough to recognise that liking football doesn’t have to mean all that sad bloke bullshit

Inspired enough to accept the Lionesses’ victory as a victory for all women, and by extension yourself

Inspired enough to bring up the victory in arguments with husbands or boyfriends to put them in their f**king place

Inspired enough to say ‘yaaas kween’ on social media then forget about it until the next one

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How to get through today if you're not into football

ARE you a weird killjoy not bothered about football, even though you’re a woman? Endure the next 72 hours of rolling Lionesses coverage with these tips: 

Hang out with Krauts

There’s one group of people who hates talking about football right now: Germans. Hang out at a bratwurst stand, swing by your local lederhosen shop or book tickets for an evening of German hip-hop for pleasant Teutonic company completely devoid of praise for Russo’s backheel.

Shut down your senses

Commentary, reaction, reaction-to-the-reaction etcetera will be impossible to avoid, even among people you consider friends like the Loose Women. To get around it slip on a pair of blinkers and noise-cancelling headphones and run out the clock until Friday at least. Or go for a big sleep. Either works.

Move to the bottom of the sea

Flatfish and crabs are as indifferent to the result of last night’s nailbiter as Britain was before it looked like we’d win. Get into scuba gear and spend the day knocking about with them. Never mind Ella Toone’s stunning chip over the German keeper, they don’t even know what footballs are. Or feet. Or water. You’re not there for conversation.

Go potholing

You know who wouldn’t have heard about Chloe Kelly ditching an interview to sing Sweet Caroline? Those Thai cave kids. If your phone’s got signal you’ll hear about the football, so get to zero bars by crawling underground and squeezing through rock formations. Only to emerge into a cavern where Sweet Caroline is echoing from six miles away.

Lighten the f**k up

If you can’t beat them, consider removing the stick from your arse and lightening the f**k up. A group of amazing players has somehow made football a bit of English culture to be unambiguously proud of. The unrelentingly grim news will be back next week so embrace the good times while you can, knobhead.