LOOKING forward to the big match, but realistically it’s the Germans? Here’s how to have a great night in the face of inevitable disappointment:
Put valium out with your nibbles
Pizza slices, potato wedges and Kettle Chips are great nibbles to watch the football with, but why not put out a complimentary bowl of valium? When the final goal’s scored in the four-nil loss you’ll be emotionally dead to the outcome.
Have excuses ready
If England lose, it’ll be because they’re crap. Ignore this and focus on minor events such as a missed early chance or a sly foul. Pile up enough and it’ll be as if England actually won in a parallel and morally balanced universe, just like in ’96, ’02 and ’18.
Get wrecked
A few beers go brilliantly with a great football match. This isn’t going to be one of those. Substitute a couple of litres of vodka instead. Being barely conscious will really take the edge off the loss, but remember not to drunkenly blurt out that getting married was a terrible mistake.
Mention the war
England beat Germany in 1966, but we had many other victories before that: the Battle of Britain, the sinking of the Tirpitz, Rommel’s defeat in North Africa, or Amiens. Despite this being irrelevant to a football match a century later, expect widespread agreement.
Put £300 on Germany
Smile through the tears by letting naked greed overwhelm your patriotism, like a Tory would. Any setback for England or unfair decision will have you grinning in reluctant admiration as you stand to clear a grand.
Invite a male friend who will cry like a six-year-old girl
Pathetically, such people exist and you know one. The mortifying sight of a grown man sobbing over a football match will give you a sense of perspective and take your mind off England’s defeat as you surreptitiously livestream him on WhatsApp.
