How to have a great evening watching England f**k it up

LOOKING forward to the big match, but realistically it’s the Germans? Here’s how to have a great night in the face of inevitable disappointment: 

Put valium out with your nibbles

Pizza slices, potato wedges and Kettle Chips are great nibbles to watch the football with, but why not put out a complimentary bowl of valium? When the final goal’s scored in the four-nil loss you’ll be emotionally dead to the outcome.

Have excuses ready

If England lose, it’ll be because they’re crap. Ignore this and focus on minor events such as a missed early chance or a sly foul. Pile up enough and it’ll be as if England actually won in a parallel and morally balanced universe, just like in ’96, ’02 and ’18.

Get wrecked

A few beers go brilliantly with a great football match. This isn’t going to be one of those. Substitute a couple of litres of vodka instead. Being barely conscious will really take the edge off the loss, but remember not to drunkenly blurt out that getting married was a terrible mistake.

Mention the war

England beat Germany in 1966, but we had many other victories before that: the Battle of Britain, the sinking of the Tirpitz, Rommel’s defeat in North Africa, or Amiens. Despite this being irrelevant to a football match a century later, expect widespread agreement.

Put £300 on Germany

Smile through the tears by letting naked greed overwhelm your patriotism, like a Tory would. Any setback for England or unfair decision will have you grinning in reluctant admiration as you stand to clear a grand.

Invite a male friend who will cry like a six-year-old girl

Pathetically, such people exist and you know one. The mortifying sight of a grown man sobbing over a football match will give you a sense of perspective and take your mind off England’s defeat as you surreptitiously livestream him on WhatsApp.

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Boyfriend really hoping that's a positive Covid test in bathroom

A MAN who has discovered a positive test on the side of the bathroom sink is really hoping it is for Covid-19. 

Martin Bishop came across the test while going for a piss five minutes ago, and has been panicking that his girlfriend might not have a debilitating illness ever since.

He said: “If it’s a positive Covid test, that’s bad news. In the immediate moment. But long-term it’s better than at least one possible alternative.

“I’ve worked out the maths on this. We can afford to self-isolate, we can claim £500 from the government, we’d still have more hand sanitiser than we could possibly need. We’ll watch a box-set, it might even be fun.

“But if it’s the other thing that’s our lives hugely disrupted for the next five years, managing on one salary, massive bills and of course the knock-on effect on our mental health. So I think maybe Covid’s the better decision at the moment.

“God, I hope I go out there and she tells me that little solid line means she’s got some very bad news. That would be the absolute best possible outcome in this situation.”