Twatty gym behaviours: a spotter's guide

DO YOU drag yourself to the twatting gym only to find it’s full of twats using all the twatting equipment? Use our comprehensive spotters’ guide to gym wankers:

The bodily fluid dispenser

Perspiration is to be expected when working out, but this freely sweating arsehole fountains sweat, spit and tears wherever they go. Really the cross-trainer should be burned after they’ve used it, but you’ve been queuing for 20 minutes.

The water fountain goblin

Or there’s their opposite, the obnoxious shithead who believes they’re the only person in the gym getting a bit dehydrated and puts their entire gob over the spigot. Then fills their bottle. Then drains their bottle and fills it again. And they’ll be back.


The shit dance-pop soundtrack of the gym wouldn’t be complete without the anguished cries of some prick keen to emphasise just how hard he’s pushing himself. It’s a pisstake when it’s a pro tennis player, never mind a middle manager from Nantwich trying to beat his PB of nine push-ups in a row.

The phoner

There’s nothing like waiting for an elliptical being used by someone going about two rotations a minute while simultaneously chatting loudly on the phone to their shit-thick colleague and picking which gym selfie to upload to Insta next. Fitness goals, yeah?

The competitive companion

Scientists have yet to pinpoint the DNA sequence that causes a stranger to check how fast you’re going on the exercise bike and go twice as fast, but hopefully it will be cleansed from the gene pool via natural selection.

The free personal trainer

Did you know that every time a woman joins a gym, she’s randomly assigned a male stranger who will try to improve her form? Try and enjoy the treadmill with some six-foot hunk of meat breathing down your neck. You’d run better if you released some tension by stamping on his nuts.

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England fans 'too tired' to mock Germany after five-year xenophobia binge

ENGLAND fans worn out by a five-year xenophobia binge are exhaustedly trying to summon up reserves of bigotry against the Germans. 

Across the country fans who know they should be indulging in all manner of racially offensive stereotypes are struggling to even do weak Nazi impressions.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Achtung! For you the war iz over! No, my heart’s not in it.

“I suppose you can’t do a solid half-decade of rabid nationalism without losing a little enthusiasm for it. Like, when was I last not hating foreigners? It tires you out.

“Here we are with a golden opportunity, the bloody Krauts and a genuine reason for a bit of unpleasant ethnocentric taunting, and I’m done before we start. Pathetic.

“It’s all I can do to keep up my hatred for the Chinese, and the Venezuelans, and all these migrants on boats and French fishermen and whoever. Compared to Brexit, the football’s light relief.

“I’m sure all the old prejudices will come roaring back once we kick off and I’ll be back to my old self again. I just hope I’m not letting the Germans down.”