If Terry Venables was so good how come England never won, woman asks mourning boyfriend

A WOMAN consoling her boyfriend over the loss of Terry Venables has asked how come England never won if he was so good.

Lauren Hewitt is unsure why her boyfriend Jack Browne is so devastated by the death of footballer and manager Terry Venables seeing as he never led England to victory, so has decided to ask him and find out.

She said: “It’s upsetting that he’s died but I feel like I’m missing something. Is this one of those bloke things that women will never truly understand?

“I mean fair play, he only managed England once and took them all the way to the semis so that’s a good track record. It’s not like we could never do it again though, just look at Gareth Southgate. So cheer up, yeah?

“You were never this cut up when your gran died, and she didn’t bring any silverware home to the England trophy cabinet either. It doesn’t make sense.

“Oh wait a minute, are you actually mourning the loss to the world of 1970s detective fiction? No? Okay, I give up.”

Browne said: “Great, now she’s watching the 1996 penalty shootout on YouTube to try and see my point of view. As if I wasn’t sad enough.”

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Man realises he does not like music but just same five songs

A MAN has realised that he does not enjoy music but actually just the same five songs on repeat.

Tom Logan considered himself a music lover but, surveying his most listened to tunes on Spotify, realised that his passion for it just amounts to a handful of tracks over and over again.

Logan said: “My Spotify Wrapped this year will be five tracks and also the theme tune to The Bill because I needed it for a pub quiz I was hosting. To be fair, it’s a banger.

“As far as I’m concerned, human civilisation peaked with Supergrass’ Alright so I don’t really have the need to listen to much else. It’ll just be a disappointment.

“I also regularly play one Pink Floyd number, two by The Beatles, and the sad Lily Allen song from the John Lewis Christmas advert about ten years ago when I feel a bit melancholy. And that’s all.

“I would struggle to go on Desert Island Discs, not that they’re likely to ever ask a data services manager from Chorley.”

Logan’s wife Francesca said: “Tom believes that great music is like sex: once you’ve hit on something you like, you stick with it and never need to try anything new. It’s part of the reason we’re headed for divorce.”