Japan urged to drop this time difference nonsense until Olympics finished

JAPAN has been urged by the international community to drop this whole time difference bollocks until the end of the Olympic Games.

The Asian host of the Summer Olympics claims it has to be eight hours ahead of London because of their later sunrise, but sport fans have called for the country to stop messing about and stage events at their proper time.

Cycling fan Nathan Muir of Northampton said: “I’m sick of getting up at 2am to accommodate the Japanese. It’s taking the piss.

“I don’t care if it’s their ‘tradition’ or whatever, me staying up all night is affecting my work. My boss is furious.

“If they just tried Greenwich Mean Time I’m sure they’d love it. They’d actually gain eight free hours, so that’s a treat, and they’d soon get used to getting up in the early evening and going to bed around noon.”

“Under my plan, viewership would definitely increase. Sponsors would be happy, and, crucially, so would I.”

President of World Athletics Seb Coe said: “That’s an idiotic idea and fundamentally misunderstands the rotation of the Earth around the sun.

“But I would quite like to watch the 1,500 metres live, so why not.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Bedroom comes with en-suite oven: a London landlord upsells his flat

FLAT hunters, your search is over. For just a large percentage of your salary – not including bills, council tax, or furniture – my flat could be yours. Take the tour: 

Location

The most crucial aspect of any new home is its location, and this property definitely has one. Right in the centre of a lively and thriving 24-hour economy, you’ll get around quickly because you’ll be running. Guaranteed gentrification-free.

Appliances

Everything’s en-suite; the oven’s in the front bedroom, the fridge is in the back bedroom, the washing machine’s in the living room and the bathroom’s in the flat downstairs. No more lonely hours in the kitchen because there isn’t one. Instead you’re always cooking with friends.

Garden

The green-thumbed will love this property’s innovative new approach to the environment: why go outside, when you can bring the outside in? Forget ‘patios’ and ‘lawns’; this green flat has moss on the windowsills, a thriving fungal colony in every corner and mushrooms growing on the carpet.

Housemates

Joining this household, you’ll be in the company of dedicated, full-time human beings. From a range of professions including all-hours weed dealer and benefit fraudster, you’ll live, laugh and learn to love together. Do you like dub? You soon will.

Bills

Bohemian and free-flowing, there’s a new bill for a new amount every day of the week. And for those without debts of your own, there’s a wealth of inherited unpaid demands from previous tenants to really hammer your credit rating.

Pets

They come with the property! Whether you love small mammals, insects or aggressive gulls, they’re always excited to come out to say hello to tenants and guests alike.

Call today, anytime except between 7am-11pm. No timewasters.