subscribe
/ Sign Out

Landlord dearly wishes his wasn't a Sky Sports pub

THE landlord of a pub would give anything for it not to be a Sky f**king Sports one.

Tom Logan, proprietor of the Royal Standard in Reading, enjoys his job except when there is a live football game on which is all the f**king time.

He said: “I thought it’d be fun, like Shane Richie in the Queen Vic. But not when I wake up on a Saturday knowing I’ve got Spurs fans flooding in for 3pm and Chelsea fans for half-five.

“Sure, I’ll make shitloads of money. But is it worth it to have those belligerent twats in replica shirts sitting there like they own the bloody place, cheering every goal like they scored the bastard and taking every defeat personally?

“Where’s the cheery banter? Where’s the camaraderie? Instead I’m shovelling Stella down thick necks while they whinge about needing a new chairman because they only spent £140 million last summer.

“On a Super Sunday I get eight consecutive hours of the twats. Even when the middle game’s only Southampton versus Leicester or some shit they just stay and drink through it. They could afford Sky Sports at home for the amount they spend on booze.”

He added: “Mind you, I tried showing The Ashes once. Never met a bigger crowd of arseholes.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Having the big bedroom, and six other things you'll never forgive your sibling for

THEIR bedroom was big enough for a settee. Yours was barely big enough for a bed. For that reason, and these, they will never be forgiven:

Bedroom size

All three-bedroom houses have two decent rooms and one tiny one, but why was the tiny one yours? For nine years, even when your sister moved out? And she had a telly, and her own Mickey Mouse phone. Even now the bile rises at the very thought.

Privileges

You got grounded for a month for smoking weed and were ordered to dump your boyfriend for snogging him on the front step. Your younger brother’s girlfriend was allowed to stay in his room when they both staggered home tripping on MDMA. It’s the injustice that hurts.

Being a moody twat

The whole household spent five years tiptoeing in the shadow of your sister’s black moods, fearful of setting off another month-long strop. You were forced to have an untroubled adolescence by default. And she’s still the same arsehole now.

Being a swot

‘Your sister always does her homework on time’, ‘Your sister never gets detentions’, ‘Your sister got six A-stars in her GCSEs’. Your sister was ugly and unpopular with no social life, and that got used as a stick to beat you with? How’s that fair?

Breaking your bike

You were only little, so you giggled along with your brother and his mates while they did wheelies and jumps on your bike, including a spectacular one off the garage roof. Then they all went off laughing to the park, leaving you with a f**ked bike. Bastard.

Cannibalising your Lego

A piece at a time, so slowly you didn’t notice, all the bits of your spaceship were nicked to replace the bits he’d lost. To this day he swears blind it never happened but it did, and you will have your revenge.

Existing

Ultimately life was good, until she came along and it got much, much f**king worse. You had to share your toys, Dad was too tired to be fun, you couldn’t even play Sonic without giving her a turn. You’ve resented the bitch ever since. She should never have been born.

Next story ›