Losing same as winning, confirm English scientists

SCIENTISTS based in England have confirmed that losing a major football tournament is functionally identical to winning it. 

Researchers found that, by simple benefit of nationality, the Lionesses who technically lost yesterday’s World Cup final were in fact heroes who did us all proud and inspired a whole nation.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There are scientists, particularly on the Iberian peninsula, who believe losing is the opposite of winning. Not so.

“In fact losing and winning are states so interdependent on each other that in certain cases, for example if England are in the final, losing the match has exactly the same result as winning it.

“The whole nation is grateful, the players are brave and brilliant and can return home with their heads held high, we’re all celebrating, etcetera. If this is the situation, as accurately reported by the country’s media, how can that be considered ‘losing’?

“It corroborates findings from 2021’s men’s European Championship final where missing their penalties made three players amazing, when under previous, outdated systems of measurement it would have been their fault we lost.

“Interestingly this rule does not carry over to club football. For example, Manchester United lost two-nil to Spurs at the weekend because they are f**king shite.”

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7am gym soundtrack exclusively songs about f**king

A GYM’S early-morning soundtrack for busy professionals exercising before work is entirely focused on sex, regulars have uncomfortably noted. 

A collection of individuals whose joyless lives see them on running machines shortly after dawn on a Monday are being regaled with song after song about f**king while they try to avoid eye contact.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 32, said: “I caught a glimpse of a sweaty, balding man doing squats while a woman sang about needing a stranger’s body ‘right now like nothing else matters’.

“So that was awkward. As was every grunt I heard from the man next to me performing repetitive, sweaty movements so close I could feel his body heat. While a woman sang ‘take it off’ and ‘slow, steady, undress, impress.’

“Why am I listening to music about sex in a nightclub at this time in a Monday? Who am I going to f**k in a nightclub at 7am on a Monday? The cleaner?”

“As someone who is currently rotating my pelvis while working it back and forth, I would prefer the songs to be about something else. What about some nice banging tunes about agriculture?”

Gym manager Joe Turner said: “The music makes the gym a welcoming environment for everyone. Especially those who want to hit nasty all night, girl.”