Oh well never mind, says female football fan

A FANATICAL Lionesses fan has reacted to their World Cup final loss by saying ‘Shame,’ and turning over to Four In A Bed on E4.

Hannah Tomlinson of Exeter, who has cheered on England’s heroines ever since they won the Euros, made the special effort to watch the final and feels it has not been adequately reciprocated.

She said: “Aah, bet they’re gutted. What else is on?

“I thought we were going to win? All the papers said we would if we believed in the team, and I definitely did. I’d never even heard of any of the Spanish players.

“Goes on a bit, doesn’t it? There should be more goals for how long it is, to keep your attention. At least Mary Earps made it a bit more interesting with that save. Oh well, there’s always next year.

“Four years? Never. I thought it was every summer, like Love Island. What are the girls going to do until then? They can’t all go on Strictly. Still I suppose there’s Dancing On Ice.

“Anyway, let’s not dwell on it and ruin everyone’s Sunday. It’s only a game. The Lionesses wouldn’t want us all upset just because they lost for once.”

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Five jazz albums that are a gateway to not liking jazz

EVER feel like you should grow out of shit chart music and try to get into jazz? These albums will put you off very quickly:

Charles Mingus: Mingus Ah Um (1959)

This album came out three years before most people believe music officially began with The Beatles’ Love Me Do, so liking it would make you very cool. However, you don’t even manage the first track, as the ‘clever’ title, an impenetrable Latin play on words you have to look up, immediately puts you off by demonstrating how the genre couldn’t be any more up its own jazzy arse.

Dave Brubeck Quartet: Time Out (1959)

Dave Brubeck is apparently the master of ‘cool jazz’, but as far as you’re concerned he’s the master of loads of people deliberately playing in completely mad time signatures, presumably just to piss you off. Take Five has frequented TV adverts so often it’s annoying, even making Cadbury’s Twirls painful to think about. And that’s the album’s best song, so Christ knows what the rest of it’s like.

John Coltrane: Giant Steps (1960)

‘Hard bop’ is a very literal name for a genre of music that sounds like being hit over the head with a trombone. Coltrane is a legend of ‘free jazz’, which is the most unlistenable type as it seems like everyone is playing their instruments backwards and with no regard for what the rest of the band is doing. Maybe that is what’s happening. It’s the kind of irritating ‘experimental’ thing jazz musicians would do.

Miles Davis: Bitches Brew (1970)

You’ve heard of Miles Davis, so this one must be at least slightly accessible for new listeners, right? Wrong. The first two ‘songs’ add up to 47 horrible minutes and sound mainly like someone having a seizure with a trumpet in their gob. However much you listen, you can’t get the hang of the time signatures so even tapping your foot along is impossible. It’s chaos, and not in a good way.

Best of Smooth Jazz (2020)

Right, this compilation is better. The rhythms make sense. The songs are a sensible length. Some of them have even got singing! However, you quickly realise that ‘smooth jazz’ appears to mean ‘f**king long saxaphone solos’, so you sack it off in favour of Taylor Swift. She might be trite but at least she’s tuneful.