Man who thinks women's football is boring won't shut up about golf

A MAN who claims women’s football is slow and lacking in action also thinks men hitting tiny balls with sticks for hours is utterly fascinating.

Avid TV golf viewer Joseph Turner dismisses top-level women’s football but loves even the most tedious bits of golf, such as players walking slowly to where they have hit the ball.

Turner said: “Women’s football just doesn’t appeal. I can’t actually give you a good reason why, but maybe they look odd in football strips and should have pretty dresses like tennis players?

“By contrast, even though a game of golf takes hours and involves an awful lot of standing about doing fuck all, it’s still extremely interesting, unlike female athletes leaping around and scoring goals.

“I’m as much of a feminist as the next bloke but women just aren’t as good at sport, except for synchronised swimming. I wouldn’t want to watch men doing that.”

When asked if he thought he would be a better player than any of the current England women’s football team, 63-year-old Turner said: “No, but only because I’ve got a sore knee.”

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Holiday treats to buy for your office that say 'I hate you all'

DO you feel obliged to buy treats for your colleagues when returning from holiday even though you hate their stupid faces? Here’s what to get them.

‘Interesting’ foreign delicacies
A bag of odd-tasting snacks with an incomprehensible name suggests you think your colleagues have adventurous palates, when in fact it’s just really enjoyable watching them eat deep-fried goat anuses.

Disgusting sweets
People will eat anything if it’s free and distracts them from work for two minutes, so search out something truly horrible like mealworms coated in nougat.

A bottle of undrinkable spirits
Even if it smells and tastes like nail varnish remover, it won’t stop everyone having a nip at lunchtime and dehydration and a nasty hangover by 2pm. Make the fools drink more by claiming you “really like it” and have a few more bottles at home.

An old, battered cake
Office workers are obsessed with cakes, so your colleagues will happily chow down on one that’s travelled a couple of thousand miles in your suitcase, even if it smells a bit weird and has a 70 percent chance of giving them food poisoning.

Liquorice allsorts from the airport
Nothing screams “I hate you bastards and didn’t think of you once while I was away” louder than something so unexotic they can buy it from the newsagent’s across the road.