BBC accidentally interviews Remain-voting member of public

THE BBC has apologised after accidentally showing an interview with a random member of the public who does not support Brexit.

The young reporter responsible for the error, Nikki Hollis, said: ”I’m so sorry. I haven’t had much experience of finding angry Brexiters repeating the same tabloid cliches for the billionth time.

“I’d seen a guy who looked just the ticket. White, bald, middle-aged, muttering angrily to himself. He looked like just the sort of person who had legitimate concerns about the EU.

“I stuck out my microphone and asked him, quite neutrally, if he felt ‘left behind’, was worried about immigration and whether it was time for a fresh approach with a party led by someone called Nigel.

“But the bastard said ‘no’ and now I’ve interviewed a member of the liberal elite. I’m in for a real bollocking from John Humphrys.”

Interviewee Tom Booker said: “I don’t want to cause any problems so from now on I’ll identify myself as a Remainer by painting my face blue and gold and mincing along in a metropolitan way with a glass of chardonnay.”

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Still time for one last catastrophic f**k-up, May hoping

THERESA May is hoping her final days in office will be enough time for one more of her trademark enormous fuck-ups.

The prime minister, who officially retires tomorrow, is in a race against time to launch a policy that is not only immensely harmful but also totally unnecessary.

May said: “There must be something I can embark on without consulting anybody which will be so disastrous they’ll still be cleaning up the mess in two years. But what?

“Northern Ireland I’ve done. Scotland yeah, pretty much. Wales? Can you fuck up Wales? Would anyone notice?

“Or should I go for a policy area, like education? There’s no point interfering anywhere Chris Grayling’s been a minister, that’s scorched earth already.

“Hang on. I’ve got it. The minute I get home I’m announcing the complete privatisation of the armed forces, with bids from contractors including G4S, Virgin, Unilever and the Russian government.

“Soon squaddies will have to buy their own rifles and the RAF will be downsized to one Tornado. It’s a terrible idea with consequences that are entirely predictable.

“How do I do it? I don’t know. I guess it’s just a gift.”