Man's greatest achievements in life were as an imaginary football manager

A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.

Nathan Muir is particularly proud of taking Graficar Vodovod all the way to European Cup glory on Championship Manager: Season 01/02, six years of Premier League titles topped with a domestic treble for Ipswich Town on Football Manager 2012, and winning the office Fantasy Football league in 1997.

He said: “You wouldn’t think, to look at me, that I have one of the finest football managing records of all time going back 40 years.

“But from Kevin Toms’ Football Manager on the ZX Spectrum, where I won the FA Cup for Colchester in front of a cheering crowd of both uncles and my dad, to 2016’s unlikely promotion for Alsager Town, it’s created every happy memory I’ve ever had.

“The League Cups, the near misses, the underdog battles against relegation turned into promotion within the space of two seasons, I remember every one as if it were yesterday.

“I don’t play as much as I used to – like Sam Allardyce, the complexity of the modern game has left me behind – but I’ll always be a legend in my own mind for what I achieved.

“Other stuff? Ah, I’ll always remember when my son Stian was born in 1998. The wife was in hospital for three days. I took us to the league and the Cup Winners’ Cup.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Doing engineering work at weekends only ruins fun stuff, explain rail operators

RAIL operators have defended their decision to once again mess about with the lines at the weekend because it only ruins fun stuff.

Train bosses stand by their commitment to run a drastically reduced service on the two busiest days of the week because all it disrupts is exciting trips to the seaside and pleasant visits to see old friends.

National Rail CEO Martin Bishop said: “We can’t exactly re-lay track or randomly cancel trains during the working week. You’ve all got shitty, miserable jobs to get to and we wouldn’t want you to be late.

“Your friends aren’t going to fire you though if you don’t make it to a reunion on time because you’ve ended up taking a detour on a delayed rail replacement bus. It makes complete sense if you think about it.”

Rail engineer Wayne Hayes said: “The tracks in this country are all totally f**ked. If we steadily work on them at a rate of two days per week then we should be halfway to completion by 2052.

“Of course by the time we’re done we’ll have to start fixing stuff from the beginning again so here’s no end in sight to our disruption. But at least it’ll make your relaxing weekends feel much, much longer in the worst possible way.”