Men uncomfortable with England team they can't hate

MEN have admitted they are not really comfortable with an England team they cannot slate as f**king useless down the pub.

The Lionesses’ triumphant journey to the Euros final has left male football fans feeling alienated from a national side they are unable to savagely slag off because of sexism and actual success.

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “For me it’s missing the point of football, which is to enable a bunch of unfit men to gather with a few pints and deliver a world-class trashing.

“Take the England men. They reached a final last year for the first time in 55 years and I’ve been calling for Southgate’s sacking ever since. The man’s limited. No vision. Not up to the job.

“But these England women have handed out some proper hidings. They’re in the final on merit, and even though Lucy Bronze has frankly underperformed it feels like a twat move saying so.

“But what does that leave? Unconditional support? That’s hardly f**king English is it? That’s casual fan bollocks and beneath serious students of the game.

“What am I meant to do tomorrow? Be all ‘Ooh well done, they’ve scored a goal and won a major tournament, congratulations’? F**k that. Win or lose I start hating.”

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Five kid-friendly holiday ideas parents will hate

GOING on holiday? Need to book somewhere your kids will enjoy but you will find a waking nightmare? Try these destinations.

Family hotel

These hotels claim thousands of victims every year thanks to their reasonable prices and convenient locations. Don’t let them trick you though. You might get five minutes away from your children to have a coffee and a sanity-saving adult conversation, but you’ll still be able to hear their godawful kids’ disco from the other side of the hotel.

Camping

In your imagination this will be an idyllic holiday your kids will cherish forever. In reality you’ll struggle to cook dinner over a portable stove, find yourself queuing for half an hour to do the washing-up, and have to escort your kids for a 1am piss every morning. Next time pitch a tent in your garden and send the kids out there alone.

Theme park

A trip to Alton Towers sounds like an ideal way to give your kids the time of their life while enjoying a few thrills yourself. Except you’ll spend most of the holiday waiting in queues and shouting ‘How much?’ when you see the price of snacks. You’ll also realise all the decent rides scare you now and have an existential crisis about your age.

Rent a cottage

Need to get away from the house your children have ruined? Stump up a few hundred quid to rent out a rich person’s cottage and let your children ruin that instead. As a parent you’ll also be paying for the privilege of doing the same domestic chores as usual, except without knowing how the appliances work. What could be more fun? Anything.

Group trip

Want a break devoid of a single second of downtime? Holiday with friends and their irritating offspring. Even during the rare moments when your children are actually behaving, somebody else’s little shit will be kicking off. On the upside, life will feel like a piece of piss when you get home and only have your own spoiled brats to worry about again.