New Chelsea manager grudgingly agrees to earn £20m for half-arsed six months

MAURICIO Pochettino will today reluctantly agree to earn eight figures for doing a shit job as Chelsea manager until November. 

The manager, who has already won nothing with Tottenham and the bare minimum at Paris Saint-Germain, has agreed to take over at Chelsea because he had nothing much on this year and the money will come in handy.

He said: “Sometimes, when you’re asked to bank a mighty fee for an abortive and short stint in a money pit, you just have to sigh, bow your head and reluctantly accept it’s your turn.

“God knows I don’t want to be Chelsea manager. Nobody does. ‘Give it to one of these young ones,’ I said. ‘Let Jaissle from Red Bull Salzburg have a go.’ But they thought I was playing hard to get, doubled the fee and added a huge dismissal package.

“‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Surely there’s better than me out there.’ They showed me the next name on the shortlist and it was Brendan Rodgers.

“So I’m in. I’m pretty confident I can keep them up. We’ll blow a few hundred million in the summer on players I’ve weakly argued against, hang around the top four until autumn and then I’ll be sacked after a run of shit results and be my own man again.

“Nobody understands the pressure top managers are under. Still, at least it’s not Spurs.”

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British nationals to be evacuated to safe haven of Rwanda

BRITISH passport holders evacuated from war-torn Sudan will be airlifted to the safe, happy paradise of Rwanda. 

While the fragile truce in Sudan holds, British nationals will be removed from the conflict in the only way the Foreign Office is comfortable with.

Foreign secretary James Cleverly said: “Basically, it’s Rwanda or bust. We don’t have a plan B.

“I asked if we could bring them here but Suella stamped down hard on that one. Just because they’re British citizens doesn’t mean they can just waltz into Heathrow like they live here, apparently.

“So our planes are ready and raring to go on the tarmac with their noses pointed south. Once UK nationals get to the military base and flash their blue passports, they’re home and dry in Kigali.

“They’ll be entirely safe in a country that’s warm, welcoming and forbids criticism of its ruling authorities in any way. And they can stay there until we trust them. It might be a while. We’re not in a trusting place right now.”

Evacuee Dr Tom Booker said: “Once I touch down I’ll make my way up to Morocco, fly to Paris then hop into a small boat across the Channel. What could possibly go wrong?”