New football fans expected to watch crap League Two games from now on

EVERYONE who was supporting England in the World Cup will be expected to continue their love of football when the season starts.

New football fans will be expected to turn up at Lamex Stadium on 4 August for the thrilling League Two clash between Stevenage and Tranmere Rovers.

Tranmere fan Wayne Hayes said: “It’s great that everyone loves football so much now. I can’t wait to see them all watch us grind out a nil-nil draw before getting back on the coach for a three-hour motorway journey home.

“I’m looking forward to them joining in chanting ‘Ollie, Ollie, Ollie Norburn’ and enjoying the kind of pie you can’t buy from Waitrose.

“Although in reality I’ll probably stay at home and watch the highlights on Quest, and I say that as Tranmere’s biggest fan.”

New football fan Nikki Hollis said: “Apparently I have to go to a place called Yeovil. I’m a bit frightened. Have they invented toilets there?

“And who is ‘Crewe Alex’?”

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Vegan cat becoming totally unbearable

AN already arrogant cat has become totally unbearable after going on a vegan diet.

Cat Tom Booker has been vegan for a week after rejecting cat food, pestering his owners for vegetables and starting to ‘forage’ for edible plants in a poncey way.

Fellow cat Wayne Hayes said: “Tom has always had the superiority of a much larger animal but since going on this vegan diet he’s become smugger than Stephen Fry.

“He’s always banging on about ‘ethical choices’ and how full of energy he feels. What’s the point of that if you can’t spend an afternoon sadistically chucking a mouse around?

“I alerted him to a saucer of milk but he looked at me like a wine snob being offered a pint of Blue Nun. Who’d have thought a cat could be so superior and stand-offish?”

Booker said: “I’m feeling the health benefits already. And without wishing to sound big-headed, thank goodness some of us are prepared to explore sustainable lifestyles that could save the planet.

“I’m definitely not secretly craving a big bowl of Whiskas full of delicious minced entrails and scrotums.”