Mum still confident we can win it

A FOOTBALL novice mum has reassured her heartbroken family that England can pull something out of the bag and win the World Cup.

Susan Traherne of Warwick told her husband and two sons not to lose faith in ‘the boys’ and whatever the commentators might say, it is not over yet.

She said: “They keep saying ‘Mum, we’re out, that’s it’, but I still believe. Gareth Southgate is a very clever man. He’ll find a way.

“I’m actually disappointed in my menfolk for giving up so easily. Harry Kane won’t have, I know that. He’s determined as well as handsome and polite. He’ll keep trying.

“Well what do you know? Piers Morgan’s just said we’re playing against Belgium on Saturday. You see? Didn’t I tell you?

“I’d better go and tell everyone. They’re going to be absolutely delighted.”

14-year-old son Jamie Traherne said: “Yeah. Trying to teach mum about football turned out to be a very painful mistake.”

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Man who likes to point out that football originated in China told to shut up

A MAN who enjoys saying that strictly speaking football’s ‘home’ is in China has been politely asked to shut the fuck up.

Nathan Muir is contradicting anyone who claims that football is on the verge of coming home by referring to Zuqiu, the version of the game invented in Han China over two thousand years ago.

He said: “When I hear someone say that football is coming home, I ask them where in China they mean. Then when they look confused I tell them about Zuqiu and inform them that their song is inaccurate.

“Though different in key respects to today’s game, Zuqiu is recognised by FIFA as being the earliest version of football. So we should all be singing, ‘football is not coming home, because it’s from China’, or, ‘ Zuqiu bu hui Jia, yinewi ta laizi Zhongguo,’ in the correct Chinese.

“I don’t enjoy telling excited children that they are stupid, but if someone doesn’t point out the facts to them, they’ll just perpetuate this painful inaccuracy, like we’ve done since 1996.”

Muir’s friend Tom Logan said: “Nathan really has to shut the fuck up about this or he’s going to get us both killed.”