England game too personal to watch in front of anyone

AN England fan has strongly rejected an invitation to watch tonight’s game in a pub because he can only face it alone.

Nathan Muir of Bedford explained that he would rather sit on stage at Wembley Stadium and defecate in front of 70,000 people than be with his mates from 7pm in a state of extreme anxiety.

He continued: “A pub? Where anyone might see me emotionally naked? 

“I could weep, I could scream, I could suddenly realise that everything in my world is a lie. I could be returned to the womb or see my own death. And you expect me to do this in front of strangers? 

“No, I will be in a fanzone of one, in the safety of my own home, with the doors locked. In life there are some paths that a man must walk alone.” 

Friend Martin Bishop agreed: “The kids want to stay up to watch the game. I’ve said no. They’re too young to find out what kind of man their father really is.”