I know how you feel Boris, by Mr Blobby

DEAR Boris, I too am a bulbous pink figure with a toothy grin who went from media darling to widely despised irritant.

I know how you feel because like me you are a misunderstood comic genius. But a double act can only be as good as its stooge and fuck me did we have to carry a load with Edmonds and May. 

There is no room for ‘needless self doubt’ in our type of comedy. Do you think I could stamp on an overstuffed suitcase with anything other than total commitment? You were the same. You hung onto the Brexit dream with the same conviction I would trash a tea-party, knowing the chaos it would cause but sticking with it because it’s bloody hilarious.

That said, I have to admit Brexit doesn’t make business sense to me. Benny Hill travelled incredibly well on the continent and historically Europeans can’t get enough of the clumsy antics of a portly English twit. But anyway.

Let’s not be maudlin, let’s revel in the unabashed self-promotion we used to get to the near-top, the kids we bulldozed, the absolute shit storm we caused. Know this Boris, there’s one person who gets you, one person still laughing, albeit in a terrifying electronically modified voice, me, your friend Mr Blobby. 

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Are you shit enough to be in May's cabinet?

HAVE you got what it takes to keep fucking things up like a senior Tory minister? Take our test and find out!

You are visiting another country. What do you do there?

A. Discuss trade and build good relations.
B. Treat the whole trip as a piss-poor Jeremy Clarkson travel show where you keep saying things like ’24 hours in Italy and no one’s surrendered to me yet!’.

You meet a young female party activist. What do you do?

A. Thank them for their hard work.
B. Claim your hand is cold and ask if they would like to sit on it to warm it up.

What is the internet?

A. A global computer network crucial to modern life.
B. I’m not that up on technology, but let me say this: I am passionate about the new micro chips and British computers are the best in the world.

You are responsible for an important public organisation. What do you do?

A. Learn about the challenges facing it and make sure it is properly funded.
B. Spend all your time secretly drawing up devious privatisation schemes, such as making the RAF hire its pilots from a new ‘internal pilot agency’ run by your old schoolfriend Tugger Jones.

A Briton is wrongly imprisoned in a Middle East dictatorship. What do you tell the press?

A. “We are taking legal advice and I am flying out tomorrow.”
B. “There’s no smoke without fire, and a few public floggings wouldn’t do this country any harm either.”

Mostly As You are not shit enough to be a minister. Practise drinking heavily at lunchtime and never preparing for anything.

Mostly Bs You are ideal for May’s cabinet. Why not send in your CV? You’ll probably have a job by Friday.